The Value of Healthy Shame
Contrary to popular belief, not all shame is negative, and it’s certainly not all toxic. Shame is not something to be made obsolete - quite the opposite actually. Shame teaches us boundaries and without shame, societies aren’t safe places. Many would argue that we could benefit from a bit more shame as a matter of fact, and I’m not sure I would disagree, but it’s Healthy Shame that we need more of. Understanding the nuances of Healthy Shame is the key to preventing the proliferation of Toxic Shame and the deep harm that it causes.
What is Healthy Shame?
Healthy Shame is what keeps societies safe, functional, and generally peaceful. It has nothing to do with morals, values, or justice which are all constructs, regardless of the fact that they’re important constructs. It’s also not the same thing as empathy, though there is connective tissue between the two. Healthy Shame is our internal barometer of whether our actions may cause distress, discomfort, or harm to others. It helps us to recognize that the world doesn’t revolve around us but rather that we are part of a collective. Whereas Toxic Shame is personal - meaning it’s the unconscious or conscious belief that there is something wrong with our SELF - Healthy Shame allows us to experience the benefits of shame without internalizing it or conflating it with our SELF. It’s not dissimilar to guilt in that Healthy Shame teaches us boundaries and that the consequence of crossing those boundaries is, in one way or another, suffering.
Where We Go Wrong
If Healthy Shame wasn’t modelled for us as children, it’s unlikely that we’ll know how to use it. In fact, it’s likely that we’ll believe Toxic Shame is healthy if we believe that it prevents harm. This is why it’s essential to know the difference between Toxic and Healthy Shame. If our caretakers or teachers scolded us instead of setting boundaries, and if they implied that there was something wrong with us instead of what we did, then we probably grew up equating discipline to shame. Also, if we were taught that there was something wrong with what we did yet what we did was perfectly natural, this creates a confusing message that contradicts our instincts. If our human nature is wrong, then we must be somehow broken or bad, right? Hence, Toxic Shame.
Many of us will remember a time when we touched ourselves or someone else in a sexually curious way or disrobed in public. Totally natural, yet I’ll bet most of us were told that what we did was naughty, disrespectful, disgusting, or otherwise wrong. First, this sends the message that a biological instinct is shameful, and second, it will fail to establish a boundary because Toxic Shame does not teach boundaries. It teaches us to hide our instincts. Had we been raised by someone who was emotionally mature and generally non-reactive, we could have picked up some useful Healthy Shame by having it explained it to us that although being curious and having these urges are normal, it can make others uncomfortable if they haven’t given permission to be touched or if they don’t want to see us take our clothes off.
Establishing discipline is another common way we use Toxic Shame when Healthy Shame would be more effective. This applies whether we’re talking about disciplining children or insubordinate employees. First, we need to ask the following questions:
Is it my place to discipline this person or is it more appropriate to simply establish that something will not be tolerated? Is what I’m about to say appropriate for the context of our relationship or am I potentially violating their autonomy by trying to change this?
If discipline is clearly needed, for example in the context of an unruly child who is distressing others, consider that setting a boundary rather than discipline is the goal. Say a child is creating a scene in a restaurant. Instead of planting a screen in front of their face, instead of allowing them to carry on, and instead of shouting at them to be quiet, consider staying calm and taking them outside where you tell them in a low voice that you understand that they’re bored or uncomfortable and you recognize that they want something else which is okay, but in this situation their behavior is preventing others in the restaurant from enjoying their meal and that’s not fair to the other people. They’re comfort is just as important as the child’s comfort. Explain that if we want to be included in more activities, sometimes we will need to be patient and tolerate things that we don’t enjoy for a short period of time without expressing it in ways that cause harm. Try using ‘we’ instead of ‘you’ to depersonalize it.
Healthy Shame is Important
When we lack Healthy Shame, we become shameless. Shameless is never good. Shamelessness is a lack of boundaries, it’s the pretense that we’re unaffected if someone were to shame us. Boundaries are what keep us safe and prevent society from descending into dysfunction. Need proof? I think most of us would agree that we’re living in a pretty shameless world right now. Boundaries and empathy are treated as secondary to respecting the needs and comfort of others because in trying to reject Toxic Shame we’ve overcorrected and become selfishly insular, focused on our own comfort above all else. Healthy Shame is the middle ground between Toxic Shame and Shameless.
“Healthy shame leads to more rewarding relationships with ourselves and others. If enough people acquired it, healthy shame would lead to a happier, healthier society and a better world.”
Examples of Healthy Shame
Below are three examples of situations in which we often default to communicating with Toxic Shame, and how we can shift to Healthy Shame:
SITUATION 1
A child upsets another child by touching or groping their genitals.
Toxic Shame approach:
“Bad boy/girl! Don’t touch people at their private parts, you’re naughty!”
Healthy Shame approach:
“It’s natural and okay to be curious but it’s also important to remember that not everyone feels comfortable being touched in certain places or in certain ways. In the future try asking before touching and it will be a lot less likely that the other person will get upset.”
Takeaway:
Depersonalize the criticism by making it about the places touched and not about the child. Reassure the child that it’s natural to want to explore bodies but doing it without asking first may make some people uncomfortable.
SITUATION 2
A partner was caught being unfaithful*
Toxic Shame approach:
“You’re a pig/whore! How dare you cheat on me and betray me after everything I’ve done for you? You’re worthless and disgusting and [the other person] is nothing but a XXX (insert horrible shaming words)! You’re a disappointment! I’ll make you pay for this!”
Healthy Shame approach:
“I feel so deeply hurt by your actions because I was under the impression that we both wanted to be monogamous. If this isn’t what you wanted I wish we could have discussed it because that would have prevented all this unnecessary pain and sadness I feel now, so I’m mainly hurt and angry that you kept this desire a secret from me when I believed that we could communicate openly and safely with each other.”
Takeaway:
Focus on the secrecy and lack of communication as the main cause of disappointment, not the individual as this will not achieve positive results for anyone.
* The language we use to describe non-monogamous activity - words like ‘unfaithful’ or ‘cheated’ - are intrinsically shaming. There is nothing shameful about not wanting to be monogamous yet society has created such shame around the idea of it that it’s been pushed into secrecy (secrecy is the realm of shame) where we don’t feel safe discussing why we may want to be with another person.
SITUATION 3
Someone expresses a socio-political view that is misaligned with your own.
Toxic Shame approach:
“That’s so ignorant/uninformed/stupid/horrible/backwards/wrong!”
Healthy Shame approach:
“That’s an interesting perspective. Although it’s not my own view I’d be curious to hear more about why you feel that way if you’re okay sharing.”
Takeaway:
Personal attacks and shaming language will never change someone’s opinion. It’s no one’s place to invalidate anyone’s beliefs or values; this is a crucial tenet of democracy. Respond with curiosity and discussion, never debate. Also, the quickest way to disarm conflict is to make someone feel heard and seen.
“I disapprove of what you say, but I’ll defend to the death your right to say it.”
-Evelyn Beatrice Hall
Why it’s Worth Changing Our Approach
Simply, Toxic Shame creates harm while Healthy Shame fosters safety, empathy, and self-reflection. Toxic Shame has never in the history of humanity changed someone’s mind. It has only ever made them hide their beliefs, preferences, and behaviors. Toxic Shame drives things underground where they putrefy whereas Healthy Shame keeps them on the surface where they can be processed and managed. Trust me when I say that no one benefits from Toxic Shame except for the person using it to get what they want.
As John Bradshaw said in his iconic book Healing the Shame That Binds You, “Shame begets shame.” Meaning, if we’re shamed, we’re highly likely to shame others. The nervous system cannot tolerate shame in the way it can other emotions; shame must be expressed and it’s usually expressed by turning the shame inwards and abusing ourselves, or by turning it outwards and abusing / shaming / bullying others. If we were disciplined with Toxic Shame, we’re likely to perpetuate that cycle with our own children, employees, friends, and partners.
Healthy Shame begets Healthy Shame just as much as Toxic Shame begets Toxic Shame so it’s worth changing our approach.
Next Steps
If you feel called to break the cycle of Toxic Shame, consider that it’s essential to clear the shame before it will be possible to express yourself with Healthy Shame. Free to book a free, no-commitment Discovery Session (20 mins) and we can chat about how doing Shamework with me may serve you.