Emotional Regulation: The Holy Grail?
The term emotional regulation is the self-help word du jour, but do we actually know what it means, why it’s so important to our wellbeing, to the success of our relationships, and what the consequences of emotional dysregulation include? There’s a Buddhist proverb I love that goes like this: May I live like the lotus, at ease in the muddy water. How can we retain our calm and live like the lotus when we’re ‘naturally’ reactive people? EFT ‘tapping’ is one of the most effective techniques for achieving emotional regulation and for this purpose, self-tapping can be equally effective as engaging with a practitioner.
Emotions Originate in the Body
We may use the term emotional regulation but what we’re really talking about is nervous system regulation. The autonomic nervous system, which is responsible for keeping us alive, is where emotions originate. It is constantly scanning its environment for cues of safety or threat. Depending on what it perceives, the brain signals a physiological response which the nervous system manifests.
Those feelings (they’re called ‘feelings’ for a reason) get labelled by the cognitive (thinking) mind with words such as ‘afraid,’ ‘sad,’ ‘angry,’ and ‘excited.’ Therefore, what we believe are emotions are really thoughts about emotions. If you’ve worked with me or another somatic therapist, you’ve probably been asked to describe where and how you feel something in your body. Personally, I tell clients that when I ask how they feel they can answer with an emotional label or with a bodily sensation because they both provide useful information.
Trauma Leads to Dysregulation
If we’ve experienced trauma, especially chronic trauma over an extended period of time, there’s no doubt that our nervous system will be dysregulated. Trauma is more a neurological experience than an emotional one. In fact, the National Health Service (NHS) in England considers PTSD a form of neurodiversity. When the nervous system elicits a survival response in reaction to a threat, the body has to discharge the surplus stress hormones like adrenaline, cortisol, and noradrenaline through a process called ‘shaking off.’
If you’ve worked with animals you’ll have noticed that they shake after a fight or a fright. Humans are meant to do that too; only we don’t because it’s socially awkward, so those hormones get trapped in our nervous system for years instead of seconds and we become dysregulated which is the expression of an overloaded nervous system. One of those expressions is through emotional dysregulation which makes us feel like live wires shooting sparks the moment we’re activated.
Signs of dysregulation can include: high reactivity; habitual over or under exaggeration; anxiety; insomnia, disproportionate or ‘abnormal’ responses; emotional outbursts; hypervigilance; spontaneous tears; the inability to sit still or focus on one thing at a time; needing to be on multiple screens at once; shouting or whispering when upset; being unable to witness the emotions of another; and emotional numbing or avoidance.
Emotional Freedom
When we don’t allow emotions to live freely on the surface, meaning we repress or suppress them, they control us, not the other way around. When we process and integrate our emotions to a point where they are a normal part of our lives, they cease to be in control. The more we integrate and accept emotions, the more in control we are.
I appreciate this is not what most of us believe, in fact you may be shaking your head at my ridiculousness right now but I assure you, burying emotions is like giving them the key to the castle. Many of us believe that as long as we can suppress or repress our uncomfortable feelings, we’re in control. But most of us don’t understand how the unconscious mind or nervous system work, which is why this fallacy persists. However, there is a significant difference between allowing our emotions to exist on the surface in a healthy way and being emotionally dysregulated, which happens when emotions overwhelm us.
Why Avoidance is Another Form of Dysregulation
We all know emotionally avoidant people. If we’re not one of them then chances are we’ve had a relationship with an avoidant person at some stage and we know how difficult it can be. The irony is that avoidant people usually have very strong emotions, which is one reason they become avoidant - to prevent themselves from being overwhelmed. Because they can’t steer the boat when the feelings start flowing, they build a dam instead of learning to sail.
Emotions fall on a spectrum ranging from euphoric to excruciating. The most unfortunate thing about emotional suppression is that it’s not possible to avoid one end of the spectrum without also avoiding the other end. If we’re unable to experience uncomfortable feelings like sadness, anger, or even boredom then we also cannot experience pleasurable emotions like joy, hopefulness, and gratitude. We may experience blips of happiness, but the sensation is ephemeral and frankly, a duller version. When we repress or suppress uncomfortable feelings, they rise up and take control by causing us to react irrationally and in harmful ways. We become sloppy and unable to move without our emotions spilling over the edge of our psyche. It’s extremely easy to manipulate someone who is highly reactive (i.e. dysregulated), but the regulated person is in total control.
Emotional freedom occurs when we build tolerance for emotions and when we desensitize ourselves to traumatic triggers. This is achieved by integrating and acknowledging (a.ka. ‘processing’) our emotions instead of avoiding them. The processing of emotions is best done in a therapeutic setting where we can get as messy as we need to, in a space without judgement or shame. Creating space for our full range of emotions allows us to stop denying and resisting our human experience, our vulnerability, and our authentic selves and instead to accept and tolerate them.
When we co-exist with all of our feelings we can begin to regulate. Once we’re regulated, we become able to temper reactions and maintain clarity in the presence of strong emotions. To move in a regulated way is like gliding across a raging sea in a steady ocean liner, impervious to the rolling swells beneath its hull. Emotional regulation is grace embodied.
Self-Regulation v. Co-Regulation
Regulating our nervous system and thus our emotions can be a macro (big and broad) process and a micro (pointed and specific) process. Macro in the sense that causes of dysregulation are usually the focus of therapy, though not all therapies are equal when it comes to targeting the nervous system. Somatic therapies are known for discharging trauma and stress hormones as are various activities that ask us to slow down and focus on energy including yoga (real yoga not fitness yoga), qigong, Tai Chi, and gentle breathwork (though be diligent about doing research about whether breathwork is appropriate for you beforehand).
Trauma survivors, people with a history of abandonment, anxiety sufferers, those with depression, and shame-based individuals often experience chronic dysregulation but it’s not limited to these groups. Medications are often prescribed to patients with symptoms of chronic dysregulation, and while I don’t believe this is the problem that many wellness practitioners have made a case for it being, I do acknowledge that it’s essential to engage in ongoing therapy in conjunction with pharmacological interventions.
On a micro scale, however, every day we face dysregulation in situations in which we become overwhelmed by our emotions. Some people, for example those who fall into one of the categories above, may find it more difficult than others to regulate themselves. Self-regulation is a skill that everyone can benefit from (read on for using tapping to self-regulate) but when this isn’t possible for whatever reason, co-regulation is also useful.
There’s a misunderstanding that co-regulation pertains to babies only, which isn’t true. It is true that babies and children lack the ability to self-regulate which results in ear shattering wailing, and co-regulation through body-to-body contact is key to help the little ones restore regulation, but co-regulation is useful for anyone. In fact, while working with chronically dysregulated trauma survivors, some therapists occasionally co-regulate their clients who are in the midst of a severe abreaction by sitting with their chest to the client’s back. In this arrangement the prosodic breathing and rhythmic heartbeat helps the client’s nervous system mimic the pattern. Being chest-to-chest with a trusted person can have a similar effect (which is why many of us enjoy spooning!)
One of the best resources for co-regulation is…you guessed it…PETS! Dogs are great, but - and it’s not easy for me to say this - cats are even better for co-regulation. I recently sat in on a group led by the iconic Dr. Stephen Porges, originator of Polyvagal Theory and nervous system guru, during which he pointed out that dogs need us to co-regulate whereas cats are solitary creatures which gives them the ability to regulate us without needing it in return. The purring of a cat as it lays on our chest is one of the most regulating experiences available.
The Solution to the World’s Problems?
Imagine a world in which the majority of us responded instead of reacted. Truly, just imagine what that would look like. No words to be eaten. No lost tempers. No impulsive trigger pulling. Less shaming, less blaming. More listening and less speaking. Fewer bogus ADHD and autism diagnoses. Less trauma. More accountability, clearer understanding, less misinterpretation, fewer debates and more discussions. This isn’t as fantastical as many of us would believe. In fact, this peaceful reality is well within our reach by way of emotional regulation. Dysregulation is at the root of, arguably, every conflict, internal or external.
I was in a training course last year and one of the participants asked the man leading the course, ‘In your experience, what shift creates the most tangible change in our quality of life?’ The striking thing about this wasn’t the answer, it was the question. I spent a long time asking myself this question too. Based on my personal experience and my observations of clients, for me the answer is undoubtedly shifting from reacting to responding. This shift happens when we regulate our emotions.
What is the difference between a reaction and a response? We tend to use the words interchangeably but they’re different. We also assume a reaction is negative, but a reaction can be equally detrimental whether we’re exploding in anger or agreeing to do something out of excitement without thinking it through.
A reaction is:
Immediate; ill-considered; ego-based; originating from an unhealed wound; emotional; one-sided; impulsive; the result of a dysregulated nervous system.
A response is:
Considered; delivered in a calm and respectful manner; two-sided; vulnerable and from an open heart; authentic; non-defensive; the result of a regulated nervous system.
Responding requires time. We can only respond when we’ve taken a few hours, days, or even weeks to reflect on the following:
What wound was triggered?
What nourishment do I need at this moment?
Am I tired, stressed, hungry, or otherwise frayed by unrelated circumstances?
Why did that person do/say what they did? Is there truth in it?
Do I bear any responsibility for this? I.e. did I hurt them, was I being offensive/defensive, was I unclear about my boundaries or needs?
What do they need? What would make both of us feel safe?
What is my soul asking for (not my ego or heart)?
How can I express my feelings and needs in this situation in a non-threatening and authentic way that doesn’t cause harm?
I’ve found that when we start responding instead of reacting through emotional regulation, the world around us changes. Usually people are so taken aback when they’re not met with a battle that they’re instantly disarmed. Likewise, taking time to cool down and process gives the other person time to cool down and process too. Two cool-headed and open-hearted people are capable of finding solutions whereas two defended people just add fuel to already raging fires.
May we all live like the lotus.
Tapping to Self-Regulate
One could argue that EFT ‘tapping’ is at its core a process of emotional regulation. Stimulating acupoints while talking about specific stressors reprograms the amygdala - the survival center of the brain and key part of the autonomic nervous system - to react differently when confronted with said stressor by switching off the survival response.
This means that instead of becoming furious when our partner uses that tone of voice we hate, we become unbothered by it. EFT won’t make us like that tone of voice (it isn’t brain washing!) but it generally desensitizes us to it, usually to a degree where either it becomes a non-issue or where we can calmly say to our partner, “Please use a different tone of voice when telling me that you disagree” without losing our cool. By switching off the brain’s survival response in a particular context, the nervous system remains regulated. In my favorite book about EFT, The Healing Power of EFT & Energy Psychology, the authors describe the results of a study in which an MRI brain scan reported that:
“Stimulating specific points on the skin not only changed brain activity; it also deactivated areas of the brain that are involved with the experiences of fear and pain. Stimulating certain acupuncture points also causes the secretion of seratonin, a neurotransmitter that, if not present in sufficient amounts, is associated with depression, anxiety, and addictions.”
Using EFT ‘tapping’ in therapy is brilliant, but it can also be used without a practitioner for the purpose of self-regulation. In fact, the method of tapping is increasingly being taught in schools as a tool for children and teenagers to emotionally regulate themselves. They don’t need to speak, they just need to choose an acupoint that they’re comfortable with and tap on the point. This strategy works well with adults too and is called silent tapping. Note that I say tapping not EFT because silent tapping is not EFT (remember that EFT is a therapeutic technique using the method of tapping on acupoints).
Silent tapping is exactly that - it’s tapping on either the circuit of nine basic acupoints or just a couple that are most accessible at a given time while saying nothing. Instead of speaking about our emotions or sensations, we just feel them. For example, say we’re laying awake at 3am because our nervous system is buzzing. We can sit up or leave the room and just tap silently while inwardly focusing on that buzzing sensation.
Silent tapping regulates the nervous system and a regulated nervous system is the key to emotional control and stability. If we’re feeling emotional or reactive in any way - we don’t necessarily need to book a session with a practitioner just to calm down; that would be impractical. In fact, it’s extremely useful to learn how to silent tap on ourselves when we’re in-between sessions. Be sure to leave the deeper stuff to a professional, but there’s absolutely no reason we can’t self-tap to regulate. Next time you’re having an argument or want to throttle your boss, excuse yourself for a few minutes and go silent tap in the bathroom. You’ll come back in control and will have avoided saying something you can’t take back!
See below a diagram of the basic tapping points if you need a reminder without your practitioner there to guide you:
If you’d like to learn more about how EFT ‘tapping’ can help you to regulate your emotions, feel free to book a free, 20-minute Discovery Session here.
Note - EFT ‘tapping’ is a type of somatic therapy, meaning body-based. All somatic therapies aim to re-regulate the nervous system by discharging trauma and stored emotion from the central nervous system, tissues, musculature, and fascia. EFT is not the only form of somatic therapy that can achieve regulation (but it is a good one!)