Is it Guilt or is it Shame?
We often use the words guilt and shame interchangeably but they’re quite different. Well, that may not be the most accurate thing to say in fact, because we don’t really use them interchangeably - in reality, we almost never use the word shame. We tend to just use guilt as a catch-all because shame is treated like the dirtiest word in the English language. Guilt is a paler shade of shame. Because it signifies a moral capacity, guilt is more socially acceptable than shame which is another reason we pass our shame off as guilt.
The Difficulty in Admitting Shame
What makes me so sure? Because I see how clients react when I suggest that shame may be at the core of the issue they just can’t seem to get rid of. One of three things occur:
Option A - Floods of tears and overwhelm. Essentially what we’d call an abreaction.
Option B - A response that lands somewhere on the spectrum between outrage and vehement denial.
Option C - A quiet, cathartic sigh of resignation.
Recognizing, admitting, or accepting shame can feel shameful because we’re taught that only the most depraved and flawed humans are shameful, so if we feel ashamed, that’s proof that we’re bad, right?
How to Tell the Difference Between Guilt and Shame?
If you’re reading this, chances are that you’ve also come across the basic recipe for discerning guilt from shame, which is usually put this way: Guilt is the belief that we have DONE something bad. Shame is the belief that WE ARE bad.
While this is completely accurate, it is somewhat reductive and does nothing to get around the constant obstacle that very few of us are able to even acknowledge that we believe we ARE bad. That we have shame. Therefore I’d like to offer an alternative framework for determining whether we’re experiencing guilt or shame that expounds the one above:
When we experience guilt, we can discern between our SELF and the act that we feel guilty about.
When we experience shame, we can no longer discern between our SELF and the act or experience that we feel ashamed of. Because we have shame, we ARE shameful.
When we feel guilty, we know that we can atone. We know the possibility of redemption exists. However, when we feel shame, we can see no possibility of redemption. We are irredeemable, unlovable, and severed from our authentic, innately good nature. Because there is no atonement, the cycle of shame results in which we experience the extreme pain of shame and rejection, then we act out to expel the shame that is too painful to bear, then we feel ashamed of our behavior when we acted out, then we act out to expel the shame, and so the cycle goes.
The Mystery of Healthy Shame
Usually when we discuss shame, we’re talking about toxic shame. There is, however, such a thing as healthy shame. Healthy shame is what we should be learning as small children, but because so many of us were toxically shamed in our own childhoods, we don’t know how to teach children healthy shame without toxically shaming them. As shame guru John Bradshaw once said, “Shame begets shame.” When we feel shame, we shame others.
Healthy shame teaches us - in a way that is gentle and compassionate - where boundaries are and that we may cause harm when we cross them. The boundaries that healthy shame shows us are general; for example, when we hit another child, it hurts them and we may consider using words instead of fists. Or, that taking our clothes off and showing our private bits in public may make others feel uncomfortable and it is better to wait until we’re in a safer space to remove our clothes. If, instead of our caretakers or teachers sitting down and calmly explaining that while our behavior may have felt appropriate for us they actually have the potential to cause harm, they screamed at us or told us we were somehow bad, then we develop toxic shame around that behavior. This is called a shame-bind and it affects our relationship with and attitude to that behavior, emotion, form of expression, etc. for the rest of our lives (until we do our Shamework of course!)
Guilt is similar to healthy shame. When we’re cognizant that an action caused harm, whether intentionally or unintentionally, our healthy shame makes us feel guilty and signals to us that reparation is necessary. When our toxic shame has been activated though, we revert back to the cycle of shame, believing that there is nothing we can do to fix the situation. We either have to punish ourselves through self-harm, transfer our shame onto others, or avoid it entirely through numbing or dissociation.
When Guilt Becomes Shame
Despite their differences, eventually chronic guilt can become shame. There are two situations in which this happens most often: 1) When we’re made to feel guilty for consistently letting someone down over an extended period of time, and 2) when guilt is impossible to atone for.
An example of the former is in the case of parental guilt. Many people can relate to the experience of being made to feel guilty by parents, usually for prioritizing themselves and their own well-being over the needs and desires of the parent. When a parent makes their child believe that their decision or action is hurting them somehow, they are attempting to make them feel guilty to manipulate the child into accommodating the parent’s desire for comfort. There is a fine line between guilt and shame in the context of parents, however.
After enough time, repetitive guilt transmutes into toxic shame.
Eventually, after years of being made to feel guilty by their parents, the child develops the imprint of shame, or the belief that they are failing their parents. The belief and fear that their parents are constantly on the verge of withdrawing their love and support because the child repeatedly hurts their feelings and fails to take the parents’ pain away. This is an example of the all too common hazard of family enmeshment, where the needs or emotions of the individual become fused with the needs and emotions of another, in this case, the parent and child. Throughout their lives, even into adulthood, when the child is guilted, their internalized shame is activated and they are flooded with a sense of failure, obligation, and less-than-ness.
Enmeshment and chronic parental guilt can result in not only toxic shame where the child’s identity becomes that of a person who is responsible for the wellbeing of their parents in a perverse inversion of natural order, but also in complex trauma. The relationship between weak boundaries and guilt is strong; if boundaries aren’t established by the parent when the child is young, the soil becomes fertile for the seeds of enmeshment, complex trauma, and shame to germinate. This, by the way, can pretty much all be said for chronic guilt and enmeshment between partners, most commonly spouses, as well.
An example of the latter situation in which guilt is impossible to atone for is if our actions resulted in the death or permanent disability of someone. If, say, we were driving while texting or under the influence and caused an accident which killed a child it will not be possible to apologize or make good our damage. A life was lost. The guilt of this, if not discharged through therapy and grief work, is highly likely to result in internalized shame.
What Does Shame Feel Like in the Body?
Shame can be difficult to viscerally sense, especially if it’s become internalized, meaning it has transcended being an emotion and has become an identity or a core belief. Yet if we really sense into it, the body will educate us on whether it’s guilt or shame that we feel.
Shame does two things to the body (known as the physiology or the body language of shame):
1) Shame triggers a freeze response. As part of the binding effect that shame has, it prevents us from taking action. Sheila Rubin and Bret Lyon, who together run the Center for Healing Shame, describe it well when they say, “Shame severs our access to language and higher-level cognition.” In other words, internalized toxic shame can give us long-term brain fog, slowed response times, and shallow breathing (which also impacts our ability to focus and think clearly).
2) The body contracts in an attempt to disappear. Shame makes us feel small, so the body reacts in kind. Our head lowers, our shoulders slump, and we struggle to make or maintain eye contact.
There is another somatic signal of shame which is involuntary. Charles Darwin identified it as uniquely human. So, what is it? Blushing. We don’t blush when we feel guilty, we blush when we’re ashamed. Is it just me or is anyone else thinking of the connection between the tradition of women wearing blusher and the socially conditioned virtue of humility?….
What Does Guilt Feel Like in the Body?
Guilt, on the other hand, has a very different effect on the body. Whereas shame freezes, guilt is slightly more mobilizing. We feel compelled to take action and make amends somehow.
Guilt is known for its disruptive effects on the gut and sleep patterns. Guilt often results in insomnia and digestive problems and frequently activates anxiety. The nervous system isn’t frozen long-term in the presence of guilt; contrarily, it often becomes stimulated and dysregulated.
Healing from Shame and Guilt
Both shame and guilt are profoundly painful experiences, but they are not the same. While they both serve a purpose, they cannot remain in our bodies for long without causing significant harm to ourselves, and inevitably, to others.
In many cases true guilt can be eliminated simply by making amends or apologizing. However, where this becomes more complex is when the guilt is undeserved or when our efforts at reparation are rejected. In the case of parental guilt, for example, just because we feel guilty doesn’t automatically mean we’ve done something wrong. In any context, we can feel guilty as a result of conditioning, low self-worth, and shame. We can feel guilty for advocating for ourselves; for drawing a boundary; for saying “no” or refusing sexual advances; for ending a relationship; and frankly, for anything that isn’t well received by others. It can be very useful to work with a professional processor to determine whether guilt is genuine guilt, conditioned guilt, or shame.
Shame usually requires specialist intervention. There are plenty of healers on the market offering shadow work services which may be useful for addressing more superficial presentations of low self-esteem (btw, by ‘superficial’ I don’t mean to diminish the pain caused by low self-esteem, I just mean that it doesn’t inherently mean that internalized toxic shame is present), but shame is too painful and too vulnerable to process outside of a therapeutic environment. Even therapists who work with clients presenting shame should be well-educated in the wily shapeshifting abilities of shame or refer them to someone who is.
Dealing with shame and guilt requires Shamework, the term I’ve come up with to describe the process of unlearning toxic shame. Shamework is a slow process; it needs to be undertaken carefully and above all, safely. We will never be as vulnerable as we are when we confront our shame so it is essential to be selective about with whom we do this work.
Every one of us deserves freedom from guilt and shame. Even if we’re unwilling to believe this, hopefully we can all understand and accept that shame begets shame. When we feel shame, we act out in harmful ways. Shame never stops harmful behavior, it only perpetuates it. The only way to prevent or change harmful behavior is to clear our toxic shame and to learn how to communicate feelings, preferences, and opinions without shaming others through the process of Shamework.