Shame Is…

I consider myself a shameworker. Shamework is the term I came up with to describe the process of unlearning Toxic Shame, because shame is learned - it’s the most powerful weapon in the human arsenal for manipulating and controlling each other. First and foremost, shame is highly complex, far more complex than most believe it to be. Toxic Shame is more than an emotion; it’s an identity (more about this later). It’s the most painful experience a human can have and to complicate it further, shame carries a unique property called meta-shame which is the shame of shame. Meta-shame is what makes shame so difficult to identify and admit, even to ourselves. 

Shame has had millenia (since that damn apple incident in Eden) to adapt and learn how to stay hidden. It wears many masks and affects us in so many ways that the very idea of writing an introductory piece on shame was daunting. How could I write any less than a thousand page diatribe about what shame is? Nevertheless, it’s what I’ve attempted to do here, so caveat emptor: this article is the tip of the iceberg called shame. Our journey together through the underworld is only just beginning. In the future we’ll look straight into the many faces of shame and learn how to recognize and banish it. 

For now, I suggest we start with what shame is not.

What is Shame?

Shame is not guilt. Shame is not embarrassment. Shame is not regret. These emotions can be crippling, but they are paler shades of shame.

Shame is the core belief that we are not good. That we are not worthy. That who we are is fundamentally rotten or incomplete.

Sounds extreme, doesn’t it? We grow up taught that only the most depraved individuals in our society are shameful, so we’re also taught that having shame is shameful. This is why the vast majority of us are utterly incapable of recognizing the presence of shame within ourselves. I call shame a shapeshifter emotion because it’s so painful that it often wears more tolerable masks such as guilt; rage; embarrassment; perfectionism; or righteousness. Shame is at the core of every one of these.

Everyone Has Shame

Shame is culturally dictated. In the West, shame largely revolves around failure and social conformity including sexuality (monogamy; gender roles; the nuclear family; etc.). However, in non-Western societies shame revolves around hierarchy and subordination.

Almost every one of us carries shame in some capacity. Some are riddled with Toxic Shame to a point of dysfunction (these individuals are said to have a ‘shame-based identity’, more about this later), others are able to function while suppressing the source of their shame or act it out within their private lives in the form of addiction; compulsion / intrusive thoughts; religious or political fundamentalism; Narcissism; abuse; disordered eating; bullying, and so forth…

Facets of Shame

Shame is not always toxic. There’s such a thing as Healthy Shame which teaches us where boundaries are. It remains external, meaning that we can separate the Shame from the Self. In children, Healthy Shame shows us how our actions cause harm to others. Healthy Shame is similar, but not the same as, guilt. For example, Healthy Shame teaches children (if delivered in a calm and gentle way) that it’s better to use words than fists to express our feelings. It teaches us that getting drunk and groping someone at a bar is not a good idea. By contrast, Toxic Shame is internal and personal; it doesn’t separate the Self from the Shame therefore we receive the message that there is something wrong with us rather than what we did. For example, a parent telling a child they’re disappointed in them for not getting a better grade on an exam, or an offended girl/boyfriend telling their partner how pathetic and weak they are for flirting with another person.

This is a good place to pause for just a moment. If I had to identify what I think the most misunderstood facet of shame is, I would say that it is not just an emotion. Well, it can be an emotion, but it can also be much more. Full disclosure - it drives me berserk when I hear healthcare providers talk about shame as a fleeting experience and put it in the same category as embarrassment, regret, and guilt. If shame was that simple to work with we’d be living in a world with far less violence, abuse, addiction, personality disorder, extremism, and rage. One might argue there may even be none of these as shame as it at the root of them. 

Sometimes shame is an emotion. Sometimes we do something or do not do something that results in harm and we feel ashamed of it. This is normal, Healthy Shame. But remember that emotions are designed to be ephemeral; they pass like the weather. Ashamed is an emotion stronger than guilt because it’s more difficult or impossible to atone for. We may not be able to redeem ourselves. If this emotional experience of shame is processed and released, ideally with a professional, it passes just like any other emotion. However, most of us don’t process our emotions effectively or at all. We suppress them. When any emotion is suppressed it results in nervous system dysregulation. Shame, though, has unique properties. It doesn’t behave like other emotions. When suppressed, shame becomes internalized and we develop what we said earlier is called a ‘shame-based identity.’ 

When shame is our identity, we believe that we’re irredeemable; unlovable; unworthy; dirty; flawed; somehow lacking; evil; dark; incomplete; or in some cases, sub-human. This can result in tremendously harmful behavior that affects ourselves, others in our immediate periphery, and society as a whole. 

The Master Emotion

Shame is what we call a Master Emotion due to its ability to modulate and influence other emotions. This quality of shame is called a shame-bind and it happens when we’re shamed for feeling another emotion. For example, if we were shamed for expressing anger as a child, we likely have a shame-anger bind. Shame-binds mean that we feel ashamed when we experience or express certain emotions which are shame-bound, which may manifest as us feeling embarrassed or even frozen when these emotions surface. Perhaps the most commonly shame-bound emotions and experiences are pleasure, anger, and grief. 

There’s nothing below shame on the emotional scale, nothing more painful that a human can experience. Why is it so painful? Because shame is a social construct. Historically, humans couldn’t survive on their own if they were expelled from their tribe, so to be shamed=expulsion=certain death. This made it very easy to manipulate members of the tribe by threatening to reject them for behaving in a certain way that didn’t suit the desires of the tribe. 

Sound familiar?

The Original Sin

Shame is Original Sin. Think about it.

The Abrahamic legacy holds strong - the human brain is still susceptible to fearing that shame=death, and society hasn’t evolved much either. We still shame people into behaving the way that makes us feel safe. We shame each other into conformity. We shame others for doing things that we feel threatened by.

Don’t think so? Think of a time when you were furious, felt betrayed, or just so frustrated with someone’s behavior. Maybe a partner had sex with someone else or someone you know had an affair. How did you behave towards them? Maybe a child’s behaviour embarrassed you. Did you tell them that you were disappointed in them? How do you speak of someone with disparate politics or values? Do you call them ignorant or backwards? Shame creates extremism in the form of subcultures when individuals don’t have safe spaces to process their pain or have their views heard with respect.

We’re all guilty of using shame to manipulate others, it’s nothing to be ashamed of (hehe) but we do need to hold ourselves accountable. Shaming is never okay. It does immeasurable harm. No matter how hurt we are, how betrayed we feel, or how angry someone makes us - shaming others is never okay.

The Neverending Story of Shame…

I told you shame was complex! It is a neverending story because it continuously evolves as societies evolve; as humans evolve. As the West became more liberal in our definitions of ‘shameful,’ shame shapeshifted yet again and created a new mask called shameless which is just another manifestation of Toxic Shame (a topic for another article!) In the future we’ll dissect shame and look at each wily aspect of this universal experience, unlearning it as we go.

Some Homework if I May

I’m a big fan of homework because I think the real healing happens between therapy sessions or as we integrate what we read and take in. I’d strongly suggest that in your own time, go back and re-read this article. Except, this time, notice how you feel as you read. How does your body react to seeing the word ‘shame’ (the body tells us all we will ever need to know)? Do the reactions soften or become more intense as you go along? Do you feel a flicker or anger or incandescent rage? Did you feel sadness descend? Are you nodding along, feeling seen and heard? Do you want to hide under a blanket or shrink away?

If there is anything other than nothing, chances are there’s shame lurking within your experience. And that’s okay, it’s part of being human. It just means there is shamework to be done, as there is for all of us. Don’t worry about trying to figure out from where your shame originates yet (unless it’s obvious in your consciousness already). We go slowly when confronting shame; it doesn’t like to be exposed and it likes being cornered even less. Sit with it for now and perhaps write down any feelings or thoughts that may come up and take them to a trusted healer when you feel ready.

If you’re feeling called to start your Shamework journey, I invite you to reach out and book a 20-minute, non-committal Discovery Session during which we can discuss your goals and how EFT ‘tapping’ therapy can serve you!