Unapologetic Authenticity
Honestly this topic excites me so much I don’t even know where to start! There are SO many things I want to talk about - the masks we wear; social constructs we consent to; why we bother staying in relationships where we aren’t 100% authentic; and above all, the correlation between toxic shame, vulnerability, and inauthenticity. So let me begin here:
I have a life coach friend in Dublin who once made me identify my top three values as we walked along the raging Irish coast in the dead of winter. I mention the setting because there's really nothing like wind whipping your face raw and sea spray violently crashing over a person to make them feel exposed enough to declare that Vulnerability, Freedom, and Authenticity are their values.
why is IT scary to be authentic?
Authenticity has become my mantra, my lover, and my spirit-food. For those of you who don’t know me personally, let me be frank - some people love me, others really don’t. Some both love and despise me simultaneously. This used to bother me so much that I would flip between bravado and deep shame almost hourly. Through my personal shamework I’ve released my core belief that I’m not worthy unless I’m liked. The liberation I gained from this work means that I feel safe being authentically me in every situation. It means that whatever environment you meet me in, I am the same.
So let’s go back to basics. Why are so many of us inauthentic?
Because we don’t feel safe in our own skins.
Why?
Because authenticity makes us vulnerable.
Why?
Because authenticity and vulnerability expose us to being shamed. Shame is the most painful experience a human can have. Therefore, we believe that in order to be safe, we must hide our true selves. Our unpopular opinions. Our dissent. Our desires. Our body hair; our wrinkles; our cellulite; our weaknesses; flaws; ineptitudes; and our bountiful rage.
The Link Between Authenticity and Shame
I’m sorry to say it but authenticity is intrinsically linked to shame. If we’ve been taught somewhere along the line that we’re not enough, or that we’re fundamentally flawed as human beings for who we are, what we do, or what we believe, this will play out in one of two ways (of course this is extremely nuanced but we’re keeping it broad here): either 1) we will develop bravado to hide our painful shame and give the impression that we’re shameless; or 2) we will become so ashamed of our true selves that we build an arsenal of masks and invisibility cloaks to hide who we are.
Either path leads to totally inauthentic behavior.
Let me stop here and interject with a major CAVEAT. Authentic does not mean shameless. This is SO important to bear in mind. Shameless is not the opposite of shame, it’s another expression of it. Shameless means lacking boundaries and lacking sensitivity for what may hurt others or cause discomfort. Now, we shouldn’t be avoiding important conversations just because someone is uncomfortable with them, but it would behoove us to be a bit more considerate of why a topic or a behavior causes someone discomfort in the first place and approaching it with respect.
We’re never aiming for shameless, what we’re aiming for is shame-free.
Back to authenticity…Ironically, while inauthenticity may seem to protect us, it actually hurts us more than anything. If we’re in relationships that were built on inauthenticity, then that is the very definition of conditional love. When partners and friends choose to be with us in all our authentic glory or ugliness, that is pure. That’s lasting. So many relationships dissolve as the masks come off and we start to see each other’s true selves. This applies to employers / employees as well. Dream jobs or candidates turn into nightmares when the post-interview facade crumbles.
Conditional love means loving someone for how they make us feel. Unconditional love means loving someone just because they exist, for exactly who they are. For their authentic selves (note: please remember that unconditional love is not unconditional tolerance…a topic for another discussion to be sure).
Becoming Your True, Authentic Self
In order to be authentic, we first need to know who we are. Sounds obvious but most of us have been shaped and molded by external forces for so long that we have no idea who we are. We find ourselves by doing the inner work in an environment in which we feel safe being vulnerable. This is essential because if we felt safe being vulnerable already, authenticity wouldn’t be an issue. I highly recommend working with a good and trusted therapist on the journey of finding our authentic selves for exactly this reason.
I talk a lot about reclamation. To me, the healing journey is fundamentally a process of unlearning what’s been taught to us and reclaiming our authenticity. Is there anything more liberating than being unapologetically authentic?
No, I don’t believe there is.