The Lost Art of Listening

Conversation is a dance, not a battle.

When someone is speaking about their experience, there’s no greater way to show empathy than through active listening.

The Importance of Active Listening Skills

I believe most of us would say that we’re good listeners. Especially the kind of people who are reading this. We like to consider ourselves mindful and empathic people. Ironically, most of us would be wrong. Most of us are poor listeners.

What many think are good listening skills are actually bad habits that make people feel unheard and frustrated when communicating. Poor listening results in strained relationships, resentment, and sometimes even shame if we regularly feel unheard. It silences people.

And yes, there is actually criteria for good, active listening. It’s both an art and a skillset.

Two years ago I laughingly engaged in a certificate course in Effective Listening Skills from the Counselling and Psychotherapy Central Awarding Body (CPCAB) thinking it would be a joke, but honestly, the joke was on me. It turns out I was not a terrible listener, but I was a self-interested one. Meaning, I listened to respond. By listening to others, I was mentally banking facts to which I wanted to respond the moment they took a breath.

As I trained to be a healer, I learned that this sort of behavior is the antithesis of what it means to hold space for someone and their experience. Being a poor listener makes us quite unlikeable, let me tell you.

How to be an Active Listener

When being an active listener, we need to be mindful of:

Body Language.

55% of communication is non-verbal. Try to keep legs and arms open, especially when the speaker’s body is closed (this is protective and they’ll feel safer through our openness).

Paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing is a good way to let someone know we’ve understood them. It can be done by just saying, “So, I think what I heard you say is X, did I get that right or have I misunderstood something?”

Gentle encouragers.

It’s nice to offer subtle encouragements that tell a speaker they still have your attention, without interrupting them. A couple subtle nods and well placed ‘mhm’ is enough assurance.

Phone Away. No Matter What.

For the love of God, phones do not belong on tables or in our hands at social events. They belong in our back pockets where we will feel them vibrate in the event of an emergency. Nothing communicates to someone that they’re not the priority more than having our phone visible and being on them when we’ve committed to spending time with someone. No exceptions.

Empathetic responses.

Don’t make it about you. Eventually, if you have been in a very similar situation it may help to open up and share it, but in the first instance, just confirm that you’ve received what the other person just shared and acknowledge that they expressed with a short statement like, “I hear that,” or “That must be so hard,” or even, “I can hear how difficult this is for you, I’m always here if you need to talk about it.”

What Makes a Poor Listener?

Let’s keep this short and bittersweet:

Listening to respond.

As someone is speaking to us, are we preparing to challenge them or thinking of what personal story we can share that we think relates to what they’re talking about?

Listening to fix their problem.

Contrary to what many of us believe, people do not want the person they’re speaking to to fix their problem. If we’re seeking advice, most of us make that clear with an indicator like, “I would appreciate your advice…” If someone doesn’t say this, just listen instead of taking charge with statements like, “If it were me I would… You need to do X…” Just listen.

Interrupting.

Unless a question is required to understand a crucial aspect of the story, interruptions are just plain rude. Likewise, constant encouragers like, “yeah, yeah, yeah” are interruptions.

Asking distracting questions.

How many times have you told a story only to have your listener interrupt with a question that completely derails your narrative? Like talking about a conversation with your boss and a friend interrupts to ask, “Oh did they ever respond to that email you sent them?” All those who have been personally victimized by this poor listening habit, say “Aye.”

Speaking over others.

Many of us raise our voices to indicate that we’re not finished speaking, even after we’ve paused. Unfortunately, this is often misinterpreted as assertiveness but it’s just as aggressive as being interrupted. If we’ve thought of something else to say, wait until the other person finishes, then take the turn again. Remember, communication isn’t a battle.