The Fine Line Between Numbing and Nourishment
It’s easy to conflate nourishment and numbing because we feel relaxed when we numb and if we’re relaxed, that has to be nourishing, right?
Not always.
Distinguishing Between Nourishment and Numbing
What distinguishes nourishment from numbing is how it makes us feel. If we feel nothing, we’ve been numbed. If we feel clear; repleted; joyful; balanced; grounded; hopeful; or supported, we’ve been nourished. Numbing can look like:
Scrolling
Drinking, drugs, or substances that help ‘take the edge off’
Exercise
Food
Binge watching TV
Medication
Sleeping
However, some of those things can be nourishment in certain contexts and in moderation. Often, what starts out as nourishment morphs into a source of numbing after it becomes a dependency. A form of self-soothing can become a compulsion if not used mindfully.
Anecdotally, I was given a prescription for a potent painkiller after I broke my neck in an accident in 2016. I refused to take it for over a year for fear of becoming dependent. One day, the pain was exquisite. Electricity blazed from the base of my skull to the tip of my toes. I vomited from the pain but the retching intensified it. I laid on the bathroom floor, relishing the cooling tile against my head when what I can only assume was my Higher Self picked me up, moved my hand to open the medicine cabinet, and made me swallow my first painkiller.
Over the past eight years I’ve only taken four pills, when the pain reached stratospheric levels. In this specific situation, giving myself permission to take a prescription painkiller was an act of self-nourishment because the pain was debilitating. I couldn’t function normally. Suffering because of my fear was bordering on self-harm, but I was right to be terrified of it. I don’t need to explain how quickly that medicine can become a dangerous act of numbing. Personally, I avoid habitual numbing by being extremely disciplined about using Ibuprofen and tapping to manage my pain instead of an opioid. I also work with a therapist to ensure I’m always dealing with my emotions so they don’t need to manifest as physical symptoms or additional pain to get my attention.
Why Numbing Isn’t Helpful
The urge to numb is, in part, a consequence of chronic emotional dysregulation. The nervous system is designed to dysregulate for short periods in order to allow us to fight or escape threat. We’ve all heard of the fight/flight/freeze survival responses, but many of us aren’t aware that when the stress hormones secreted during these moments aren’t discharged from the body or are continuously pumped into our bloodstream - in the case of of a stressful job or home life for example - the long term effects on our health are serious. The consequences often include heart disease, high blood pressure, anxiety, body odor, weight gain / loss, headaches, cancer, and nervous system dysregulation. A dysregulated nervous system makes it very difficult to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, which is what drives us to numb.
If we’re numbing our emotional discomfort instead of processing it, we’re not recovering or evolving so it’s not actually benefiting us. When we feel nothing, we don’t grow or change and we’re not building tolerance for discomfort. This can keep us in a loop of stagnation which can lead to depression or hopelessness. It can also spiral into full blown compulsion or addiction. Numbing isn’t always negative, but when we numb more than we nourish, it becomes a problem.
The hard truth is that when we numb ourselves to avoid feeling the discomfort inside, it becomes a problem not only for ourselves but for those around us. Numbing creates a disconnect between people. Dubious? How connected, seen, or valued do you feel when a friend or partner is scrolling on their phone despite you sitting right next to them? I’m at the age where I’m starting to see parents scrolling in the presence of their children! Have you shared a bed with someone, the most intimate of spaces, and felt the sterility of a blue-lit screen between you? Ever watched a child have a meltdown because they don’t have a screen in front of them? Kids of the screen-generation have lost all tolerance for discomfort and boredom. It’s becoming veritably painful for them to experience anything other than numbness. Numbing in the presence of our own or another’s feelings is the opposite of what it means to hold space for them. When we numb, empathy is untenable.
Ironically, emotional numbing protracts pain. It’s not possible to numb discomfort without also numbing pleasure. Feelings aren’t linear; we can’t just sever one end of the spectrum and live in the high-vibes. Feelings are spiralic. To dull one is to dull them all. When we numb instead of nourish, we deprive ourselves of the blissful depths of emotions like passion, joy, and gratitude.
The Importance of Self-Nourishment
Why is it important to nourish ourselves? Because it’s how we avoid burnout and soul-exhaustion! It’s also how we protect our mental, physical, and spiritual health. It’s one way in which we cultivate self-worth and also empathy. Nourishment is how we sustain our energy levels and how we serve others while also honoring ourselves. It’s how we maintain productivity, patience, and emotional regulation. Without a solid self-nourishment practice there’s no way we can be the kind of partners, friends, parents, employees, and leaders that many of us aspire to be. As I said earlier, feeling numb can keep us in a time warp where it seems like nothing is evolving and we’re not progressing in ways we’d like to. Numbness isn’t exclusive, it dulls all feelings, not just the unpleasant ones.
The antidote to the urge to numb is nourishment. Nourishment is how we fill our cups; how we recover; how we build tolerance not only for the uncomfortable feelings but also for the pleasant ones too. Ever felt discomfort in the presence of joy, excitement, or hope? We learn to tolerate these as much as we learn to tolerate sadness, anger, and disappointment, all by tending to ourselves as we navigate the tides of emotion.
Nourishment looks different for each person. For me, the kind of nourishment I need in any given moment depends on where I’m feeling drained or depleted. For example, sometimes I need spiritual nourishment, other times I need emotional nourishment. Many times I simply need to nourish my body with hydration, sleep, and something green. The forms of nourishment that I turn to most often include:
Long, quiet walks in old cemeteries
Seeing my therapist
Preparing a nutritious yet hearty meal
Being near the sea (the wilder the better)
15 minutes of tapping on myself
Drinking tons of water
Giving myself permission to use my emergency prescription painkiller when my chronic nerve pain is unbearable instead of ‘powering through’
Reducing my coffee intake which makes my stomach feel a lot happier
Getting a deep, remedial massage
Taking a nap
Popping into churches and temples wherever I am in the world and joining in ritual
Sitting in front of the TV (phone-free) for one evening per week and thinking about nothing at all
Discernment is the Name of the Game
No one can say what is nourishing and what is numbing for us, but it is important to be honest with ourselves. Are we feeling revived and supported or are we feeling nothing at all? Beware of the bliss that can accompany emotional escape. There’s a fine line between being a suffering martyr and numbing and it will behove us to get familiar with where that line is. Ultimately, if the ‘nourishment’ doesn’t become part of our daily fuel reserves and help us build tolerance for discomfort and pleasure, then it isn’t nourishment, it’s numbing.
The best way to balance numbing with nourishment is to work with a qualified therapist or practitioner. Professionals know the right questions to ask in order to determine whether we’re being nourished or numbed, and also whether that numbing is on occasion supportive or whether it’s crossed the threshold of self-harm. Therapy is a profound source of nourishment in its own right. The process of healing holds space for us to feel discomfort in a safe and tolerable way that won’t overwhelm the nervous system (which prevents re-traumatization). It helps us to recognize times when numbing may be an appropriate action and the signs that we’re in dire need of physical, spiritual, or emotional nourishment.