Meta-Shame: A Shameworker’s Catalyst
One of the most sinister characteristics of shame is that there is shame about shame. There’s even a term for this effect: meta-shame. Meta-shame is the main reason why shame is almost always missed by individuals and mental health practitioners; it prevents us from talking about our shame, and often, from even admitting to ourselves that we experience it. It is the reason I’m on a mission to normalize shame.
What is a Meta-Emotion?
‘Meta-emotion’ describes a situation in which we experience emotions about emotions. For example, say we get angry and feel guilty about our anger. Or, say we experience anxiety and become increasingly anxious about the intensity or unpredictability of our anxiety. These common experiences are meta-emotions.
Personally, I avoid the term meta-emotion because I believe its too sweeping and runs the risk of keeping core issues hidden. What I mean by that is if we’re feeling guilty of an emotional response, there’s a good chance that it’s actually a shame-bind rearing its ugly head. A shame-bind is another menacing characteristic of shame - when we are shamed for expressing a certain emotion enough times (for example anger, grief, pleasure, joy, hopefulness, and so forth) we start to feel ashamed when we experience that emotion. Shame-bound anger is very common if we were scolded, discouraged from, guilted, or punished for expressing anger as children. Shame-bound pleasure is probably even more common. Too many of us are shamed for giggling, being optimistic (ever get accused of being naive?), excited, frivolous, and for simply having fun, which results in us feeling the contraction of shame any time we feel the original emotion we were shamed for.
Meta-emotion is a legitimate and important term; my point is just that we should be mindful of not overlooking the all too dangerous possibility of a shame-bind before making ‘meta-emotion’ the next word du jour.
Being Ashamed of Shame
In his seminal book on shame, Healing the Shame that Binds You, John Bradshaw says, “There is shame about shame. People will readily admit guilt, hurt, or fear before they will admit shame.” There are several reasons for this that are no less complex than the nature of shame itself.
If we think back to the evolutionary purpose of shame - to protect the tribe from harm - we’ll see that shame is a tool to separate the compliant members of the pack from those who disturb the peace. If one was shamed, they were expelled from the tribe, the result of which was certain death as the chances of survival for individuals without the protection of their tribe was almost nil. It didn’t take long for people to notice that the threat of shame is a powerful behavioral deterrent. It became a weapon that could be wielded not only to discourage harm to one’s own tribe, but any behavior that caused offense. Individuals could use shame to control the behaviors of their children, their spouses, anyone who posed a threat to their comfort and security.
The human brain has not evolved as much as some may like to think it has. The threat of being shamed was once so damning to one’s survivability that the amygdala (the survival center of the brain) still associates it with death. Diabolically, shame renders us powerless which is why the physiology of shame is still that of a freeze-response. There is no experience more painful to humans than shame. For that reason, as the cognitive brain evolved, it became more and more adept at blocking the feelings of shame. In turn, shame became more and more adept at hiding by wearing the masks of other more tolerable and socially acceptable experiences such as rage, guilt, perfectionism, compulsion, and moral righteousness. I call shame a shapeshifter emotion because of its wily ability to hide in plain sight.
When we experience an emotion for long enough and when it becomes an intrinsic part of our daily lives, it becomes what is known as internalized. Internalized emotions cease being emotions and eventually become an identity - a core belief about ourselves and our place in the world around us. In the case of shame, this internalization process happens easily because we are so reluctant to admit and process our shame which would otherwise dispel it. This is also when healthy shame transmutes into toxic shame. When shame is internalized, we become what are called shame-based individuals (of which, sadly, there are many). We believe, consciously or unconsciously, that we are inherently unworthy, unlovable, and irredeemably flawed. Shame is no longer felt, but instead nebulizes into just being. We no longer notice it.
When shame becomes our identity, then we are shameful, not our actions. If we are shameful, our nature must be hidden or we’ll be at risk of social or familial expulsion. We become so skilled at hiding our shame that we don’t recognize it in ourselves any longer. So to bring it out of the shadows into our conscious awareness can be excruciatingly painful and possibly even humiliating (note this is why it’s of the utmost importance to process shame with a professional who is highly skilled in shame). To admit our shame is to be exposed, vulnerable, and seemingly defenseless because who will rescue a shameful person? No one. Why? Because we’re taught not to. For this reason, often shame-based people feel an indescribable sense of loneliness without even being aware of why or how profound their isolation is. This makes way for shame to turn into anger, resentment, depression, and addiction.
There aren’t many shame scholars, but those who do study this subject tend to agree that the most tragic thing about toxic shame is that it results in the self becoming the object of its own hatred. A shame-based person holds themselves in contempt. They reject their true selves and are usually even unable to recognize who their true self actually is. Authenticity, vulnerability, and self-acceptance are either unattainable or acutely painful. A shame-based person doesn’t just hurt themselves, they hurt those in their periphery. It is not possible to love someone else in a healthy way, to parent them, to coach them, to support them, or accept them if we are unable to love, coach, support, and accept ourselves.
It is just not possible.
To admit that we have shame is as threatening to the amygdala as being shamed is. As a healer, broaching the topic of shame or suggesting that it might be the root cause of a client’s suffering is like traversing a minefield. It must be done slowly, carefully, and with the closest attention paid to even the most subtle of visceral or verbal reactions in case the client becomes overwhelmed with or in vehement denial of their shame. It's essential to hold space for the client to feel the shame of their shame before moving forward. Addressing meta-shame is the first step in what I call Shamework.
WHY sHAME gOES uNNOTICED
Identifying shame isn’t just a minefield for individuals, it is for therapists, counselors, coaches, and other practitioners as well. Perhaps even more so. To recognize shame, a few conditions need to be met:
1) the practitioner has to be educated in the nature of shame including how it presents physically and emotionally;
2) the practitioner must be eagle-eyed, looking for signs that shame has shapeshifted into other presenting issues such as anger, addiction, compulsion, or anxiety or whether it has bound with other emotions or attached itself to trauma;
3) when working with presenting issues, the practitioner cannot stop digging until they’re certain they’ve excavated to the depths in which shame hides. The presenting issue will keep returning or manifest as other issues if shame is left behind;
4) the practitioner needs to brace for a client’s unpredictable reaction when the question of shame is brought up. Often a client’s shame becomes triggered unknowingly and they react with rage, denial, defensiveness, or overwhelming surprise, sadness, and tears. Many times they will freeze and contract when their shame is called out. These abreactions put the practitioner in the line of fire which can be deeply unpleasant to experience; and,
5) the practitioner must be comfortable talking about shame without any moral judgement and understand their own shame with a high level of clarity. Recognizing shame is just the first part - being comfortable in the presence of a client’s shame is also required.
This last criterion is the most difficult to meet. Practitioners are not immune to meta-shame just because they’re professionals, they need to do their Shamework too. Actually, it’s even more important for practitioners who work with clients to do their own Shamework because meta-shame isn’t exclusive to our own shame. We experience shame in the presence of another person’s shame too. Need proof? Remember Cersei Lannister’s literal walk of shame in Game of Thrones? How did you feel watching that? I’ll bet you felt uncomfortable and blushed through the entire scene! Ever been around someone who’s personality or behavior makes you feel just a little bit dirty? When you see someone’s vulnerability being exposed, do you feel awkward or secure? When someone blushes, can you calmly ignore it or do you feel compelled to make light of it? It’s very difficult to not react to another person’s shame because it triggers our own shame.
That’s meta-shame.
John Bradshaw famously said, “Shame begets shame.” In other words, when we have internalized toxic shame, we will pass it onto others for as long as our shame remains within us. Whether this results in us passing it onto our children, our partners, our students, or our clients, we will shame others when our own shame becomes activated until we do our Shamework. In therapeutic relationships of any kind, if the practitioner’s shame is activated by their client’s shame, they will react, it’s impossible not to. How they react depends on how much self-work the practitioner has done, and therefore how emotionally regulated and self-aware they are. At best, they may become unnoticeably uncomfortable; at worst they risk further shaming the client. I believe meta-shame is the one situation in which empathy is irrelevant. The most compassionate amongst us cannot avoid meta-shame if toxic shame skulks within.
There are only two correct options for a practitioner when they notice meta-shame in response to a client’s shame: a) go to their own therapist and do targeted work on their own shame, or b) refer the client to another practitioner. The latter, an action called signposting, is not always easy. It’s unequivocally necessary in situations in which the practitioner knows they cannot keep a safe, non-judgmental space for a client. This is especially important in the case of shame because the process of Shamework will be the most vulnerable a client will ever be barring the events that originally resulted in their shame. And yet, it is a rare client who does not feel rejected or ashamed when their practitioner informs them that they cannot hold space for a particular issue.
Anecdotally, I am aware of at least two sources of toxic shame that are yet unhealed within me, despite being deeply familiar with the nature of shame and having done my own extensive Shamework. If a client presents shame around one of these areas that I know will trigger my own, I am direct and unwavering about not being able to work with them (note this is one reason why it’s essential for prospective clients to have thorough and frank Discovery Sessions with practitioners). It’s only because of my personal Shamework practice that I know where I still harbor shame. For all the reasons that we’ve been discussing until now, namely the deep pain, discomfort, and social rupugnance of shame, very few practitioners are aware of how far their own shame extends and therefore may find themselves unprepared for the prodigiousness of their meta-shame. This unpreparedness in turn can exacerbate the practitioner’ shame.
Many healers are - shamefully in my opinion - uneducated in the subject of toxic shame. I was gob smacked once on a training course with a practitioner who specialized in treating eating disorders. They were curious to learn more about shame, because, they said, they had never encountered it before. Shame, the root cause of all addictions and compulsions, had eluded an expert who spent decades treating one of the most common compulsions in existence! Sadly this is common. Shame is so sly that it can successfully maintain the mask of another presenting issue, sometimes for years, without a qualified professional even noticing.
Where do We Go from Here?
Shamework is a slow process. It progresses step by step, advancing only when the client’s nervous system is clearly ready to go further into the shame spiral. Addressing meta-shame must be the first step as until we clear our shame about shame, it won’t be possible to confront the original shame. Meta-shame fortifies shame as it retreats into the shadows to shapeshift when the spotlight is put upon it. Meta-shame is toxic shame’s first line of defense and requires a sophisticated strategy to dismantle it.
If reading about shame stirs a response within you, explore it. It may be a call to do your own Shamework. Don’t dive into the deep end when it comes to shame, dip a toe in first by simply asking yourself the question: “Is it possible that I may feel Toxic Shame?” Listen to what your body says as it will tell you everything you need to know. If you feel frozen or the urge to hide, the answer is “yes.” If a voice in your head sounds defensive and vehemently denies it, the answer is “yes.” If you can sit with the question comfortably without any signs of emotional dysregulation, there may be shame, guilt, or even grief within you but perhaps it’s not quite internalized, Toxic Shame. It’s worth noting though that some people who have been in extensive counselling for trauma, abuse, or addiction have probably touched on the experience of shame already, so the body may not immediately react to it if there’s tolerance there. Just feel into how the idea of shame sits within you and listen to your body and intuition.
If you feel called to start your Shamework journey, feel free to visit my website for information about how EFT therapy sessions can serve you and for plenty of other resources too!