Perfectionism: Lifting the Mask of Shame
Perfectionism is the compulsion to achieve flawlessness. Some might say it’s the dependency on achievement to feel good. When doing something that is perceived as perfect is conflated with the state of being good or worthy, perfectionism ensues. Why do some of us cross these wires of being and doing? Because when we feel flawed on the inside, the only way to compensate is to perfect ourselves on the outside in order to avoid feeling shame. However, anyone who suffers from perfectionism knows that it results in anything but feeling good. Perfectionism is exhausting, linked to anxiety, depression, and procrastination, and it challenges even the strongest of relationships.
What is Perfectionism?
On the surface, perfectionism is the near-obsession with doing something in a flawless way. Individuals who identify as ‘perfectionists’ set exceedingly high, sometimes super-human, standards for themselves and if they fail to achieve perfection, usually berate themselves. Dig a little deeper for the why? and we’ll find that the answer to this question is to avoid criticism, to avoid feeling shame.
Perfectionism and Shame
I often say that shame is a shapeshifter emotion, meaning it wears the masks of other, more tolerable emotions. Because it’s so painful, humans have become adept at avoiding shame; in turn, shame has become adept at hiding itself so that it can’t be avoided. Some of shame’s favorite masks to wear include rage; righteousness; addiction; and you guessed it - perfectionism. Even shame guru John Bradshaw agrees. In his book, Healing the Shame that Binds You, Bradshaw asserts:
“Superachievement and perfectionism are two of the leading cover ups for toxic shame.”
Similarly, the researcher Brené Brown has spoken extensively on the correlation between shame and perfectionism, having once said that “shame is the voice of perfectionism.” Brown also pointed out that “we struggle with perfectionism in areas where we feel most vulnerable to shame,” and that while many people feel comfortable, even proud, to call themselves perfectionists, most of these people wouldn’t feel comfortable saying, “I have shame.”
To the perfectionist, achieving perfection feels like the antidote to shame. In reality though, the life of a perfectionist is like the myth of Sisyphus, the Greek king condemned by the gods to roll a boulder up a hill as retribution for his hubris, only for it to roll back down just short of him reaching the top each time he attempts the task. Each unsuccessful attempt to eliminate flaw, whether they be in ourselves or something we create, keeps the perfectionist in a particular type of living hell, where satisfaction can never be achieved. The effort to achieve flawlessness, to leave no room for criticism or the suggestion of improvement, is exhausting. It’s no wonder that perfectionism is closely associated with anxiety, depression, and loneliness. If we believe that our flaws are so profoundly shameful that we strive in a Sisyphean way for the most futile goal that exists, then it begs the question, which is more painful, shame or perfectionism?
Setting Ourselves Up to Fail
When our ego believes that something is true, it will constantly search for evidence of its truth. For example, if we heard our mother say, ‘Men aren’t trustworthy, they’re all dogs” while growing up, this repetitive messaging becomes embedded in our belief system. The ego attaches itself to beliefs, forming an identity around them, which is why so many of us identify so strongly with and hold such rigid beliefs, values, and opinions. Anyone who has ever read Eckhart Tolle’s seminal book A New Earth knows that the ego sees itself as our protector. Anything that challenges the ego is perceived as a threat to our safety, so in order to protect us, the ego looks for proof that our beliefs are correct to keep us safe. It has the phenomenal ability to blinker our vision, preventing us from seeing anything that would disprove our beliefs and only focusing our attention on supporting evidence.
Coming back to our example of the belief that “men are dogs,” the ego, and honestly the unconscious mind, will prove this ‘fact’ by attracting us to incompatible partners who are insecure or disrespectful, or even to dominant and untrustworthy male employers. Basically, it will constantly point us in the direction of men who will reinforce this belief because the ego believes it’s protecting us from being hurt by men. Ironically, this pattern always ends up causing the very hurt it tries to protect us from, but it never learns.
In the case of perfectionism, remember that it is rooted in the fear of being shamed and criticized, which means that the unconscious mind believes the perfectionist is shameful, otherwise it wouldn’t seek to avoid the experience of being shamed. That also means that it will look for evidence to prove that the individual is shameful and that they’re not good enough, and what better way to do this than to set the bar so high that no human can possibly achieve it? A standard which any person is guaranteed to fall short of time and again. Perfectionism keeps the cycle of shame endlessly spinning.
*Note that while I interchangeably use the terms ‘ego’ and ‘unconscious mind’ because they often overlap, they are not the same.
If Perfection is Supposed to be Good, Why is Perfectionism a Problem?
We’ve already acknowledged that perfectionism is closely linked to anxiety, depression, and loneliness, but that’s not all. Counterintuitively perhaps, perfectionism often leads to procrastination and creates creative blockages because we so badly want to get a task perfect - yet we know it’s impossible - so to the unconscious mind, it’s easier to avoid starting the task altogether than to face the inevitable shame of having its flaws pointed out. Graveyards around the world are full of creatives and visionaries who never realized a single idea due to perfectionism.
Another way that perfectionism causes harm is that unfortunately, it isn’t usually siloed to the individual; perfectionists hold others to extremely high standards as well. Anyone who has ever worked for a perfectionist manager or had a perfectionist for a parent or a partner knows how incredibly stressful it is. The relationship is tense, tedious, and unsatisfying. Criticism occurs regularly and no matter how well we thought we did on something, it can always be better in the eyes of a perfectionist. Personally, when I worked for a self-proclaimed perfectionist my motivation and confidence plummeted and I found myself procrastinating on all tasks, big or small, knowing that regardless of my effort my manager wouldn’t be satisfied. Such is the experience of working with a perfectionist or closely associating with one. We haven’t even mentioned the pain of watching a loved one hold themselves back from pursuing creative endeavors or dreams because their perfectionism keeps them frozen, another nail in the coffin of being in a relationship with a perfectionist.
But….
Consider that if associating with a perfectionist can be so stressful, imagine what it must be like to be the perfectionist? Imagine the Sisyphean torment of needing to get things as close to perfect as humanly possible, only to feel that you’ve been knocked down the mountain again and again because your humanness binds you to Flaw with a capital ‘F'?’ To be human, after all, is to be flawed. Perfectionists can often feel like their humanness is their greatest weakness, an irredeemable stain on their souls. Something to be hidden, to be ashamed of. Most perfectionists also struggle enormously to admit that something within their purview has gone wrong or failed, another common challenge for those of us who work with perfectionists. This skewed perception of the Self is what makes perfectionism a common mask for toxic shame, which is of course the deeply internalized belief that we’re unworthy or flawed to the core.
Perfectionists can often see the stress they cause their loved ones and sometimes this leads to feelings of shame which only adds to the shame driving the perfectionism in the first place. They know how difficult it is to meet their standards. And yet, one can’t stop the urge to keep perfecting, keep critiquing, to keep avoiding criticism. This is what makes perfectionism a compulsion. A perfectionist needs to perfect but hates that they do it so they feel ashamed. The pain of this shame drives them even harder to perfect in order to avoid further shame.
It’s no wonder that perfectionists so often experience depression and anxiety! If we can’t tolerate our innate imperfection, we’ll find it difficult to tolerate existing. Perfectionism is a cycle of constant disappointment and shame. Either we fail to do something well enough, so we shame ourselves for it and strive even harder next time, or we shame ourselves for our lack of self-compassion and our inability to tolerate flaw.
How to Let Go of Perfectionism
Perfectionism deprives us of the pleasure of process. The short journey through life becomes agonizing when we point our compass in the direction of flawlessness. However, it is possible to dial down perfectionism by confronting our fear of criticism, which of course is our fear of shame. If we want to avoid feeling ashamed, it’s because we’ve been shamed before. When I do Shamework with clients (what I call the process of unlearning toxic shame), we shine a spotlight on shame and listen to the stories it tells us. Perfectionism is just one of the many masks that shame wears. What might manifest as rage in one person, perfectionism in another person, or social anxiety in a third person is really just shame at the core. The fear of exposure, of being seen for the unworthy people that we believe we are.
If you’re struggling with perfectionism, I suggest first identifying where it manifests most strongly in your life. Are you preoccupied with achieving a flawless body? Obsessed with improving your athletic performance? Do you overload yourself with work because no one will ever do it as well as you? Does your home have to be perfect? Do your creative endeavors take ages to complete because you’re constantly making tweaks? Then think about how it feels - literally feels in your body - when you entertain the idea of leaving these things in a ‘good enough’ state. Do you feel like shrinking? Do your shoulders contract? Does your stomach tighten? Feel into these sensations and ask them, silently in your mind, “Where did you learn that being flawed isn’t safe? Who taught you that everything will be okay once you get it perfect?” The answers to this self-enquiry exercise will give you the information you need to start letting go of perfectionism once and for all.
EFT is a brilliant therapy for perfectionists because it actually changes the urge, it doesn’t just teach us why it’s there. If you’d like to learn about how EFT can help, feel free to book a 20-minute Discovery Session here.