Befriending Pain And Becoming a Person of Depth
Many of us would do just about anything to avoid the discomfort of emotional pain, but avoidance comes at a cost. Intolerance for our discomfort isn’t a one-way street; when we’re unwilling to sit with our own pain, it’s impossible for us to sit with the pain of another person. Avoidance erodes our most cherished relationships, breeds distrust and resentment, and leaves us feeling lacklustre. On the other hand, building tolerance for emotional pain can enhance our empathy, deepen our relationships, and lead to a more fulfilling life.
“Never before has humankind been so alienated from so many of its normal feeling states, as it is in the twenty-first century. Never before have so many human beings been so emotionally deadened and impoverished.” - Pete Walker
THE SPECTRUM OF EMOTIONS
Emotions are like a rainbow; they exist on a spectrum ranging from agonizing to euphoric. Without pain on one end, the other end of the emotional spectrum remains out of reach. When grief, shame, and rage are kept at arm’s length, gratitude and hope are also unattainable. Ironically, creating space for pain turns an otherwise dull, monochromatic life into vivid technicolor. In his book about CPTSD, Pete Walker notes:
“Repression on one end of the emotional continuum often leads to a repression of the whole continuum, and the person becomes emotionally deadened. The baby of emotional vitality is thrown out with the bathwater of some unacceptable feelings.”
So why are we so resistant to feeling painful emotions? Because at some point during this first quarter of the twenty-first century, we decided they weren’t worthy of our attention and this emotional whitewashing has left us with no tolerance for it. Starting from infancy when the human nervous system normally learns survival mechanisms, babies are put in front of screens as a form of distraction from discomfort. The only survival mechanism they learn is avoidance and this continues through childhood into adulthood. (By the way, avoidance is a coping mechanism, not a real survival mechanism but it’s hard to tell the difference anymore)
Anecdotally, I’ve been curious about society’s diminishing tolerance for discomfort for a while now. I’ve also spent a lot of time travelling by myself for both work and pleasure, so I’ve had the opportunity to observe social behaviors in a wide range of ages. What strikes me is that when faced with boredom, a lack of attention, or frustration, I see children break into tears demanding that screens be handed to them. Discomfort is so foreign now that it’s almost physically painful to them. More interestingly, I’ve watched children become giddy with excitement and then too demand a screen. The discomfort of pleasure is equally intolerable if there’s no space for pain.
Depriving children, especially toddlers, of discomfort has an adverse effect on their brain development believe it or not. Low amounts of the stress hormones corticosteroids, a.k.a. cortisol, is necessary for normal brain development. In his book Shame, Dr. James Burgo explains,
“Just as endorphins are crucial for optimal brain development…low amounts of corticosteroids [cortisol] are necessary for continued brain growth…”
A balance of non-traumatic stress and pleasure is optimal for healthy brain functioning and also for social resilience and agility.
PAIN SERVES A PURPOSE
If you think that physical and emotional pain don’t serve the same purpose, and this is partially true. Both tell us that there’s an open wound threatening our health. Both restrict our ability to achieve goals, continue relationships in a meaningful and healthy way (the way we all say we want), and both make us afraid of doing anything that might make us feel that pain again. Both physical and emotional pain indicate internal disharmony, which will always create external disharmony. This disharmony manifests when pain is pushed down instead of healed. Suppressed emotions inevitably impact those around us. People feel they have to walk on eggshells or wind up on the receiving end of outbursts or passive aggression, our coping strategies, and our emotional dysregulation (i.e. our ability to be emotional without our nervous system entering a survival state).
Ignoring pain doesn’t make it go away. In fact, it makes it worse, but more about that later. Refusing to process and heal our emotional pain is really no different from refusing to address a deep, bleeding gash. Unless the wound is cleaned, stitched, and monitored for signs of healing, that wound is likely to end up riddled with gangrene. It may ultimately lead to sepsis or even amputation. Emotional pain works much the same way I’m sorry to say.
If this sounds incredible, think back to a relationship that you valued at one time. Maybe something went awry, an insensitive statement made, or jealousy got in the way. Was it addressed by having a calm yet vulnerable conversation? Was the air cleared after both people had their chance to express their hurt and to discover where a miscommunication occurred? If not, did you notice that that small wound eventually grew into resentment? Did that relationship survive in the end?
Let me propose another example, but this time, don’t think of a relationship. Think of yourself. Consider an event in your life that caused emotional pain. Maybe someone close to you died or perhaps you felt betrayed by someone you trusted. How did you tend that wound? Did you communicate, process it, go through the stages of grief and anger? Or did you just push it down and say, “I’m over it!”
Are you over it?
Or do you become reactive when anything reminds you of that event? Does the sound of a particular voice, sight of certain people, or thinking about the event incite tears, aggression, or a shutdown response? (This by the way, is emotional dysregulation) Let this be a clear indication that the old wound is not healed. Instead, it’s as open and sensitive as it was the day we felt violated. How does this wound impact your life today? How are your relationships impacted? Do you feel like peace and contentment are out of your reach? They will be, without a doubt, as long as that pain is blocked from being experienced.
So what is the purpose of pain? To tell us that something is wrong, of course! That something needs attention and repair. Pain may go away on its own for a little while, but if the cause of it isn’t repaired, it will come back in a stronger, louder iteration.
“Like pain, emotion is a universal human experience. And much like physical pain, emotions send important internal signals. Emotions prompt us to act. They can motivate us to respond, and they can drive us to behave in certain ways, depending on the situation.”
The Road to Suffering
When we turn away from pain we suffer. When we turn towards pain, suffering starts to diminish.
Remember, pain alerts us that something needs prompt attention. Whether it’s emotional or physical pain is irrelevant; if we ignore it, hoping it will go away on its own, it will only worsen. The pain may go away temporarily, but I assure you, it will come back with reinforcements. As Albert Einstein once said when explaining energy, “This is not philosophy, this is physics.” Only when it comes to pain, it’s neither philosophy nor physics, it’s biology. Pain is energy and like energy, it cannot be destroyed. It just changes form.
However, there is one school of philosophy that does warn of the consequences of avoiding pain and hardship. The ancient Chinese philosophy of Taoism stands on the pillar of flow; flow, in this case being a lack of resistance. A lack of avoidance. I’m paraphrasing here, but when Lao-Tzu taught the principles which would become inscribed in the Tao Te Ching, he reminded us that nature is its own force. Nature flows in its own rhythm and to resist this leads to profound suffering because nature will always win. Pain is nature. The suffering that results from resisting pain is tenfold the suffering we experience when we sit with pain cooperatively. We never need to like pain, we never need to forgive it, accept it, or understand it. It just needs to be.
BEING A PERSON of DEPTH
I had a conversation with a client recently (I write this with their permission of course) about how so many of us want to be perceived as individuals with depth. We don’t want to be seen as monochromatic or one dimensional; we want to be received in all our vibrance and in our 3D complexity. We desire to surround ourselves with high quality people who are also a rainbow of experiences, feelings, and conversations. Yet, in order to attract these people - in order to be one of them - we must understand what it means to be a person of depth.
Figured it out yet? To be a person of depth means to have access to the entire spectrum of emotions and to be comfortable at each rung of the spectrum. Why is this such a valuable quality to have in the people we surround ourselves with? Because only those who are comfortable with their own spectrum of emotions can hold space for another’s. Do you know anyone who changes the subject when the conversation gets too deep? Do you think that person is going to be there for you in your darkest moments? When you’re on your knees praying for the pain to pass? No, they won’t be there for you, because they cannot. We literally cannot tolerate the pain of others unless we can tolerate our own pain.
Pain is what makes us human. It’s what makes us valuable friends and partners. Let’s be honest, people who experience pain are so much more interesting and likeable than those who don’t. We can’t fully trust people who avoid emotions, can we?
To be unable to hold space for our own pain and bear witness to someone else’s suffering is the definition of an emotionally immature person. Avoiding pain makes us robotic. We depend on substances and stare at screens to distract ourselves and we have superficial conversations. Without being able to see the pain in others we end up feeling very lonely because we’re unable to foster meaningful relationships. Without this level of connection, suffering is inevitable.
So ultimately, building tolerance for and curiosity about our own pain is the key to fulfilling connections and, I would say, a fulfilling life.
“Until all of the emotions are accepted indiscriminately, there can be no wholeness, no real sense of well being, and no solid sense of self-esteem.”
-Pete Walker, Complex CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving
How to Build Tolerance for Pain and Pleasure
I know, I know, it’s all good and well to talk about why we should build tolerance for discomfort but how? I have three suggestions:
Practice a bit of Mindfulness. As a shame and trauma specialist, I’m cautious about recommending Mindfulness to anyone without knowing their history; just bear in mind that most literature on Mindfulness is written for the general public, not for people living with clinical depression, severe anxiety, addiction, PTSD, or toxic shame. For these groups, Mindfulness can exacerbate symptoms. However, some light-touch Mindfulness can be a useful tool for acknowledging whatever emotions are present and allowing them to just be. Mindfulness also helps us to observe that emotions are like the weather; they come and they go and they are constantly changing. Whenever you feel an emotion (which will feel like a sensation in the body) arising, just spend 15-30 seconds observing it, that’s all. Don’t judge it or try to figure out why it’s there, just feel it. Objectively observe how it feels in your body, and observe how it shifts as the seconds pass by. That’s all. At the end of the 30 seconds, notice that you sat with discomfort and lived to tell the tale!
2. Find the right therapist. As a therapist, clearly I’m biased, but I really can’t stress the value of therapy. A good therapist will not only sit with us through the emotional experiences but they’ll also help us to integrate the spectrum of emotions and show us how each emotion speaks its own language and indicates something specific and helpful.
3. Regulate your nervous system. A dysregulated nervous system is one that is perpetually in survival mode. It causes inappropriate reactions to situations such as rage at minor inconveniences (road rage anyone?) or a freeze state at the first sign of criticism. Somatic, meaning body-based, therapies are best for nervous system regulation because they target the body not the cognitive (thinking) mind. Therapeutic modalities including EFT ‘tapping,’ Somatic Experiencing, and Bodynamic are all great for nervous system regulation, but so is gentle breathwork, yoga (true yoga not ‘fitness’ yoga), meditation, qigong, and Tai Chi. A regulated nervous system is how we stay in control of our emotional responses because we can allow the emotions to exist on the surface without hijacking our reactions.
If you’d like to learn more about how to build tolerance for your own emotional spectrum and that of others and how to become more emotionally regulated, feel free to book a free, 20-minute Discovery Session here.
“Never before has humankind been so alienated from so many of its normal feeling states, as it is in the twenty-first century. Never before have so many human beings been so emotionally deadened and impoverished.”