What Makes Shame the Master Emotion?
Many of you have heard me refer to shame as the Master Emotion. This is slightly misleading because actually, when we’re talking about internalized, toxic shame, it’s no longer an emotion. It’s transcended the ephemeral state of emotion and has become an identity. In fact, emotions are exactly that: e-motion, energy in motion. Emotions are designed to be temporary, like the weather. Once toxic shame - or the belief that there’s something wrong with us - becomes internalized, it ceases to move and becomes a permanent fixture.
How Shame Affects the Body & Nervous System
Shame is a freeze-state; it’s binding. It makes our body contract. The body-language of shame demonstrates this effect clearly: hunched shoulders; inability to make eye contact; blushing; speaking quietly; making oneself appear smaller in stature; hair, make-up, body-art, or accessories designed to conceal; constantly tugging at or rearranging articles of clothing. Note that this list is not exhaustive; nor does it identify the ways in which shame presents as shamelessness which often looks like the opposite of these characteristics, only exaggerated.
So, what makes shame the Master Emotion? The key word is binding.
When shame becomes a dominant experience, our nervous system freezes. The amygdala - the survival center of the brain - directs resources away from cognitive functions in order to keep the body safe in a freeze-state, which results in slowed or dimmed reactions. Need an example? Have you ever been in an argument with someone and you felt shamed but couldn’t think or speak coherently? Didn’t have the presence of mind to assert yourself and leave? Perhaps you sat in an office with a manager, frozen as they told you all the ways in which your performance was lacking. Maybe you were unable to walk away from an abuser despite not being physically restrained. Or, maybe you’ve been in an argument with someone else and as you berated them with criticisms you also became frustrated because they reacted in non-sensical ways. This is what shame does to the brain and body.
Shame Impacts Everything
Shame binds with other emotions and prevents the brain from taking action. This is what makes it the Master Emotion.
Sadly, shame doesn’t give a hoot what emotion it’s binding with. Shame experts Sheila Rubin and Bret Lyon, founders of the Center for Healing Shame, point out that shame,
“modulates and interferes with other emotions so that we don’t take action.”
It will bind with anger and make us feel ashamed anytime we express anger, forcing us to swallow our words. It will bind with joy, dulling every blissful experience, making us blush in shame when we feel giddy, snapping us back from frivolity to seriousness or filling us with shame the morning after an enjoyable evening (an experience my old colleague Tessa once called, “waking up with The Shames!”)
This manifestation isn’t always instantaneous. Some people feel shame immediately, others suppress it so vehemently that shame becomes re-pressed and is able to take root and bind with our entire emotional spectrum under the surface of our consciousness (this is what we call internalized shame). In these circumstances, we may recognize the presence of toxic, internalized shame in “less obvious ways, with a subtle discomfort in which [a person] feels the need to change the subject, drop a project without knowing why, or suddenly break a promise. For others, it can come up as defensiveness or a stony silence meant to hide the shame.” (Rubin & Lyon)
I often refer to certain feelings as shapeshifter emotions because of their tendency to masquerade as other, more socially acceptable emotions. Grief and shame are the two main shapeshifter emotions. In fact, many people also consider grief to be a Master Emotion for this exact reason. I can get on board with that, however I do think that at some point shame will bind with grief, bringing us back to shame being the Number 1 Master Emotion.
Breaking the Cycle of Shame
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - Shamework is the most important work we will ever do. Regardless of whether we’re conscious of our shame, I can promise you it’s there because it’s a Master Emotion. Every human experiences shame to some degree and many of us internalize toxic shame to a point where it affects our daily lives, our jobs, our relationships, our bodies, and our moods in covert ways. Dealing with shame in therapy is often harder than it sounds because, unfortunately, many therapists can’t recognize shame. They too see the masks it wears and address all of the presenting emotions instead of poking them to see if shame is lurking underneath. Without going the extra step further and pulling the weed up from the root, it will continue to manifest in detrimental ways until we name the real issue for what it is. Shame.
“Shame has been called the master emotion because it can serve as a control on all of the others. Shame binds with other emotions to lower their affect and prevent a discharge in action. In this way, it keeps us safe and helps us to learn and obey social rules.”
-Sheila Rubin & Brett Lyon, Unbinding Shame