Signs of Toxic Shame
Toxic shame does not like to be exposed which is why it can be so hard to recognize, even among professionals. However, the closer I’ve gotten to shame the more I know that there are some telltale indicators of its presence. Below is a list of what I believe to be the ten strongest indicators that Shamework is required (it’s worth saying that working with toxic shame should be done with a professional who is not only trauma-informed but also educated in shame).
1. Rage
Rage may not seem like an obvious mask for shame to wear given that shame is a freeze-state and rage is a fight-state, but this is exactly what makes rage an attractive coping strategy for shame. Shame guru John Bradshaw argues that rage serves two purposes:
1) it pushes others away. Isolation and withdrawal are common reflexes when we feel ashamed or when shame is internalized - when we feel intrinsically unworthy or unlovable.
2) it transfers our shame onto someone else. When life throws us lemons, we throw them at someone else even harder.
Rage can look like disproportionate reactions to minor inconveniences; bursts of hot anger; blaming and criticizing others, usually with derisive name-calling such as “idiot!” or other more colorful phrases I’m too polite to repeat; violence or threats; shouting; or snapping. However, rage can also be silent. This isn’t any better because silent rage is internalized rage. Internalized rage is toxic. It disintegrates into energies like resentment; bitterness; and cruelty. As Bradshaw reminds us, people with rage “are not pleasant to be around.”
If managing your anger is a struggle; if you feel ashamed of having extreme reactions; if you notice that people, children, or animals are frightened of or avoid you; or, if you hear yourself blaming others for every negative experience, it’s pretty much a given that shame is lurking under the mask of rage.
“Rage is probably the most naturally occurring cover-up for shame.”
-John Bradshaw
2. Shame-based body language
Shame instigates a freeze-response in the body which can be temporary, for example when the emotion of shame is activated, or constant as is the case when toxic shame becomes internalized, meaning we can no longer distinguish between our shame and our Self and it is no longer just an emotion. It’s so common for shame-based people to adopt particular body language that there’s actually a term for it - the physiology of shame. Key somatic indicators of toxic shame can include:
Inability to maintain eye contact
Brain fog
Blushing
Slumped shoulders
Making oneself small, hiding, or covering the face
Going to great lengths to cover, distort, or expose the body through oversized or revealing clothing, cosmetics, tattoos, piercings, plastic surgery, and so forth.
As Brett Lyon and Sheila Rubin, founders of the Center for Healing Shame, point out:
“We experience a shameful incident, as we experience a traumatic incident, as if it is happening right now.”
In other words, like trauma, we relive shame. When shame is triggered by an activator, the body responds as if it’s experiencing the shame all over again, for example, when we blush or feel the urge to hide. Other times, shame is so internalized that the body molds to the shame and takes on physiological characteristics such as slumped shoulders or the habit of averting eye contact.
3. Addiction and Compulsion
It’s common knowledge that trauma is a component in every addiction; anyone who understands the cycle of shame though also knows that no addiction is without a generous serving of toxic shame. Not only is there often shame about the addiction/compulsion itself, which can be so strong that it undermines the recovery process, but usually shame - painfully low self-worth - is the driver of addiction and compulsion. Such behaviors can include addiction to drugs, prescriptions, alcohol, sex, and gambling and compulsions such as OCD, eating disorders, shopping, exercising, theft, -manias, etc. The cycle of shame is such that when we’re ashamed of something about ourselves we look to an outlet for this shame because it’s too painful to bear - this outlet is called acting out and can include substance use, bingeing, repeating an activity many times, and so forth. Then we experience shame about the way we acted out, so we need an outlet for that painful shame and we act out again. Done enough times, these methods of acting out graduate to addictions and compulsions.
“Shame is the root and fuel of all compulsive and addictive behaviors.”
-John Bradshaw
4. Being a Victim of Abuse
It’s unusual for victims of abuse not to experience shame. Sometimes there’s shame around not protecting oneself, regardless of how young we were. Other times there’s shame around not protecting others who were being abused. Sometimes, as is occasionally the case with sexual abuse, there’s shame around experiencing physical pleasure, especially around the stages of puberty. Often an abuser communicates that it’s dangerous to reveal what they’re doing, either by threatening their victim or by telling them how hurt they would be if their subject betrayed their little secret. The effects of abuse are insidious and shame is one of the most painful and unfair imprints of abuse, often lasting the entire lifetime of a survivor which is why processing and clearing it through Shamework with a specialist is essential.
5. Growing Up in a Shame-Based Family
Toxic shame is multi-generational. In his book Healing the Shame That Binds You, John Bradshaw presents several case studies in which patients could trace the origins of their internalized shame back through five generations. The shame was able to proliferate because of secrecy, roles, and family rules. The families had given explicit or implicit instructions that certain things were never to be disclosed outside of or even spoken about within the family. These things might have included incest; abuse; infidelity; rape; war trauma; abortion; mental health; addiction; or even unemployment.
If we were pressured to keep secrets within the family, this is shame-based behavior. For example, if we had a sibling who was abused and we were told not to discuss it, or if a parent was an addict but we were told, “These things are dealt with in the family not outside of it,” then that’s someone else’s shame being put upon us and it is unfortunately common. How can we process the trauma of certain experiences if we’re not permitted to share them? We can’t, and this is one way in which shame becomes internalized.
Rules could include not expressing emotions in general or particular feelings such as anger or disappointment. Families are patriarchal and tribal by nature which means the very paradigm of the nuclear family is a breeding ground for toxic shame. If one family member has an emotional outburst or an argument occurs only for everyone to scatter and reconvene later as if nothing happened, this is an example of a shame-based family rule. Likewise, rules such as children grow up to take care of their parents; providing grandchildren is a duty; wives take their husband’s name; people outside the family cannot be trusted, or even rules which seem to be set with good intentions such as, “in this family, no one goes to bed angry, we hug it out!” sends the message that individuals are unworthy of autonomy.
Roles within a family further proliferate toxic shame. Common roles can include: the peacemaker; the scapegoat; the smart one; the pretty one; the rebellious one; the responsible one; the breadwinner; the authoritarian; the homemaker; the man-of-the-house; the nice one; the mean one; the good girl; the little man; mommy’s boy or daddy’s girl, and so forth.
6. Growing up with Religious or Cultural shame
Let me begin by saying that I don’t knock religion because I don’t believe religion is inherently negative. On the contrary - religion can be a rich source of spiritual health, comfort, and intellectual challenge for us, if we practice discernment. When practitioners stop questioning and start believing that doubt and dissent are shameful is when religion becomes toxic.
Many of us are raised in spiritual paradigms that shame us for stepping outside the established rules. This also goes for cultures which may or may not be intrinsically influenced by a certain faith. Nationalism, jingoism, and plain old patriotism can be shame-based just as much as religion can be. In many cultures challenging the system is shunned as heretical and not in the spirit of X country. Many of us ex-pats are guilted for choosing to live outside our nations of birth and for “abandoning” our families or communities. Make no mistake, long-term guilt like this transmutes into internalized toxic shame.
In many countries or regions there’s a long history of political violence, persecution against certain factions, and division between countrymen which may be related to colonization, immigration, religious influence, or war. Legacies like this become rooted in the land itself and form a type of generational trauma. The separation and other-ness of brethren cohabitating on one or another’s ancestral lands transcends trauma after a certain point and becomes generational shame.
7. (C)PTSD
As the legendary somatic psychologist Peter Levine often says,
“Treating shame is a core part of treating trauma.”
This is not to say that everyone who lives with (C)PTSD also lives with toxic shame, of course not, but it cannot be overlooked that shame and trauma often go hand-in-hand, especially in the case of Complex Trauma which is when one experiences trauma repeatedly over a long period of time, commonly in the case of abuse. Whether there is shame because of what was done to us; shame of how we reacted, for example freezing instead of fighting; shame about something we did to someone else whether it was our choice or we were forced to; or shame about something we did not do (for example protect someone else), shame is yet another level of brutality that trauma survivors have to contend with.
8. Perfectionism
Perfectionism is one of the most common masks that shame wears. The pursuit of perfection, whether it’s related to our fitness, appearance, performance, or home, is a painful and fruitless endeavor for those of us who live with perfectionism. At its core, perfectionism is related to the fear of being shamed. If we can perfect ourselves in the area we feel most insecure about, perhaps others won’t have the opportunity to point out our flaws, to point out that underneath it all, we’re unworthy.
9. Narcissism
Contrary to popular belief, Narcissists do not love themselves, far from it actually. People on the Narcissism spectrum develop a highly inflated sense of importance as a result of - you guessed it - internalized toxic shame. Unlike other emotions which, when not processed, get stored in the nervous system including grief and resentment, shame cannot be suppressed and stored. It has to be expressed through one of only four coping strategies. I won’t go into the other three here, but the fourth strategy, Avoidance, is when we deny or numb our shame. Avoidance may take the form of substance use, compulsion, shamelessness, or Narcissism, which is an extreme form of avoidance.
Narcissists avoid feeling shame altogether by being in complete and utter denial. Anyone who has ever known a true Narcissist knows how sensitive they are to criticism. They’re incapable of self-deprecation and become downright vicious when their hidden shame is poked. This is one of the reasons Narcissists are near impossible to treat psychologically. Their toxic shame is so deeply internalized that it’s out of reach even to themselves. Like Voldemort’s final Horcrux, to expose the shame of a Narcissist comes at a cost. Anyone recovering from Narcissistic abuse is all too familiar with this cost.
10. Shyness or Social Anxiety
Shame derives its power from secrecy. Once a light is shined upon it we see that it’s actually just an apparition, an intangible ghost that haunts one generation to the next. As long as we imagine shame to be more powerful, more righteous than it is, we live under its thumb. It will keep us cowed, frozen, and unhealthy. It will keep us shy and in retreat, wanting nothing more than to protect ourselves against the inevitable criticism and embarrassment - protection from feeling even more shame. Shyness and social anxiety are, at their core, coping strategies for the unbearable pain of shame.
Next Steps
If you recognize any of these signs in yourself or are struggling with the belief that you’re unworthy, unlovable, or somehow irredeemably flawed, please read more about how we can do Shamework together and feel free to book a free 20-minute Discovery Session to learn how we can clear the burden of toxic shame.