Reclaiming our Power by Choosing to Change
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again - the Number 1 blockage in the healing process is the fear of change.
Why Do We Fear Change?
Although counterintuitive, we can both desire change with all our hearts and fear it. The fear is often unconscious though, which means it manifests as self-sabotage. In EFT we even have a name for this contradiction - secondary gain. A secondary gain is when we consciously want to clear a problem but also benefit from having it, so we end up in a loop of self-sabotage and block progress.
We often think of change as external changes - big leaps of faith and risk taking. But sometimes the riskiest initiatives have nothing to do with external changes, they involve choosing to change internally. It doesn’t seem like there should be ANY downsides to healing, changing, or recovering, though. And there are not. There are no downsides to healing and changing.
However, our unconscious mind (or Ego if that resonates more) does perceive a risk, the risk of rocking the boat regardless of how many holes are in that boat and how fast it’s sinking. When we heal, our energy changes. Our values tend to shift, our fears dissipate, our boundaries become firmer.
This doesn’t always align with the people in our lives.
And that’s okay. Seriously, it is. We all have needs and are entitled to say, ‘Actually, we’re not really in alignment anymore.’ We’re NOT entitled to hurt or abuse anyone who’s not in alignment, but it is our birthright to decide that we no longer meet each other’s needs. That applies whether we’re the ones changing and saying, ‘I will behave differently from now on because I am different,’ AND when we’re the ones saying, ‘I’m happy that you’re feeling better, but your current preferences don’t align with my needs or values.’
Overcoming the Fear of Change
The challenge is in facing the fear that arises as we commence this journey. Intuitively we know that external shifts must occur when we change on the inside. That’s physics. Newton’s Third Law of Motion makes this clear:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
For every shift we see on the inside, there is an equal and opposite reaction on the outside. Relationships improve as tensions melt away; performances enhance; obstacles just…go away. And there is also a chance that as we become less bothered by the thorns that prick us and our dependence on other people or substances disappears, our existing relationships become less harmonious or we find ourselves in situations in which our nervous system doesn’t feel safe.
For example, say we start therapy to clear long-felt anger. During that process we see big shifts and realize that the anger is a reaction to being silenced since childhood (this is a common real-life issue). Those shifts will result in a newfound ability to speak our truths, to advocate for our interests. This is life changing. Suddenly we find ourselves feeling empowered and autonomous. Wonderful things start to happen!
And. And, it’s not possible that our existing relationships aren’t going to change too. Sometimes our peers will react in beautiful, supportive ways. Often our shifts catalyze their own shifts. Sometimes this isn’t how it goes.
Again, that’s okay. If our bonds were founded on the synergy that existed at a certain time when we were in energetic alignment, it’s only natural that once that synergy is disrupted, we will no longer be in alignment. While this is 100% normal and we never need to vilify each other for our reactions to change, it can still feel threatening to our nervous system.
Say we’re financially dependent on our partner. We also may be miserable and suffering, yet we know deep down that if we heal, we change. If we change, what we want is going to change too. If what we want changes, and if how we feel about ourselves changes, our partner may not be comfortable with that, especially if they’re not doing similar work on themselves. When we start the therapeutic process, there’s a good chance that subconsciously, we’ll block progress because we fear losing our financial support. Emotional freedom might appear to come at the cost of losing our partner, our family’s allegiance, or our safety net.
Apply the same rationale to any change that we want to make. Some effects might feel too scary to accept so we block or avoid the entire process. Our nervous system convinces us that we’re safer with the devil we know whether that devil is an unhealthy relationship, staying overweight, codependence, or so forth.
Why should we push ahead despite the fear? Because Newton’s Third Law reminds us that our actions will result in equal reactions - whatever we shed will come to us in a newer, more aligned manifestation. For every friend, job, or partner that spins off, a new one will spin into our life and they will be a better match. I promise.
The Suffering of Change
The Buddhist monk and prolific author Pema Chödrön once wrote about the Buddha’s three types of suffering. The first, the suffering of suffering, refers to the obvious anguishes associated with war, violence, trauma, and deprivation. The second, the suffering of change, describes the pain of the realization that we will never achieve everything that we want because everything is shifting. Our arms may be full of coveted possessions, accolades, or people, but our attention will always be caught by other shiny temptations as what we’ve held slips through our arms.
The third type, all-pervasive suffering, results from our resistance to what is, to reality. Chödrön says,
“The reality is that nothing ever stays still, even for an instant. When we examine very closely, we see that even the most apparently stable things are constantly changing. Everything is on the move, and we never know which direction things are headed.”
The suffering that comes from resisting change - resisting evolution - is profound. To not allow nature to flow in its own rhythm, cycling through life, death, and rebirth, invites friction and unnecessary pain, hence all-pervasive suffering. How many relationships have ended because one partner couldn’t accept the evolution of the other? How many friendships have fallen flat because two people evolve in opposite directions? The truth is, we don’t need to like how other people evolve and change. We don’t even need to accept it. But to resist the basic fact of life, that all things and all people evolve, guarantees our suffering. By releasing attachment to what exists now, allowing the possibility that it may not be the same tomorrow, shifts us from a state of defiance to a state of flow.
Reclaim Your Power
Let’s pivot. When did you feel the most empowered and the most in control of your life? Take a minute to consider, you deserve to identify this moment.
Chances are that the moment you felt most empowered was when you went through a major change or life transition. Next question - did you choose that transition, or were you forced into it by crisis or circumstance? Are we empowered because we survived when we had no choice or because we put ourselves first and took a big risk?
There is nothing wrong with either situation btw, I was forced into my most empowering experience! It just led me to reflect on the fact that if I could survive that, I can handle anything, and I believe this is true for all of us.
The suffering that accompanies outgrowing something, someone, or somewhere, is unparalleled. During our lifetimes, we experience several moments when we know - we just know - that something.has.to.change. I was taught that this experience is a spiritual contraction. Our souls are squeezed, no longer able to expand in our current situation. The discomfort of these moments is visceral. Often our bodies actually feel like they’re being compressed and flipped in preparation for a trip down the rebirth canal.
These moments, these contractions, are when we have the opportunity to evolve the most profoundly. To choose change at these junctures is perhaps the most empowering action we can ever take.
Choosing change is choosing ourselves. Reclaim your power by being willing and open to change.
If you recognize yourself in these notes about fearing change or if you feel the call to shift or move on but feel frozen or held back by thoughts of what you stand to lose, try taking some time to yourself and going somewhere you won’t be disturbed, maybe on a walk or near a body of water. Give yourself the no-commitment permission to think about what changes you would make if there was truly nothing to lose. Where would you go? Who would you walk away from? What would you wear? What would you learn? How would you feel?
Notice what resistance comes up as you think of these potential changes and make a note of them. If you feel called to work through them or explore where these stories come from, try reading about how EFT sessions can help gently guide you towards personal evolution. We only ever move at the pace that’s right for you, but we all deserve to at least explore what may be possible.