10 Misconceptions About Shame
Shame is possibly the most misunderstood of all human emotions. It’s also the most taboo, the most debilitating, and the most avoided. All of which makes it the most powerful emotion we can experience. The best way to normalize shame is to understand it better by clearing up some of the most common misconceptions about it, starting now.
Shame is just an emotion
Shame is a spectrum, some people even call it a constellation of emotions that live within the shame galaxy. Shame can be an emotion, which is what we would call being ashamed. Remember that emotions are temporary by design though. They are meant to be fleeting, like clouds moving through the sky. Sometimes they’re dark and grey, overburdened with water, other times they’re fluffy and bright. Being ashamed is a normal response to doing something that violates our own moral code, our integrity. However, when an emotion hangs around for too long, it needs intervention to process it and help move it along. Shame by nature does not like to be exposed, which makes it the least likely emotion to be processed, which means it hangs around for way too long. Usually years, often a lifetime. When an emotion stays present for unhealthy amounts of time, it becomes internalized, which means that we stop being able to discern between our Self and the Emotion. In the case of internalized shame, we don’t just feel ashamed anymore, we are shameful.
2. Shame is epic
Sometimes we avoid exploring our shame because we’re afraid that we’ll open Pandora’s Box, that the tidal wave of shame will wipe us out completely. While shame does often derive from traumatic experiences such as abuse or war, much of it is fairly mundane. Because we’ve learned to express our emotional pain by shaming those who we blame for it, most of us carry a certain level of shame which should be guilt. For example, if we ever had an affair or weren’t monogamous when our partner expected it of us (I refuse to use the term' ‘cheated’ which is inherently shaming), chances are that we were shamed for that action by being told there was something wrong with us, not just what we did. Consequently, an emotion that should be action-based, i.e. guilt, is personalized and instead becomes shame. This is the kind of mundane shame most of us live with. Though simple in cause, if it’s not processed and released it risks festering and turning into internalized toxic shame.
3. Only Bad People Feel Shame
Everyone feels shame whether they admit it or even know it. Shame is a biological, evolutionary, and primordial emotion which means every human experiences it. Because shame is still taboo, we’ve been taught that if we feel shame, we must be shameful because only the worst among us are shamed. This is a toxic phenomenon called meta-shame, the shame of shame. One of the reasons I’m on a quest to normalize shame is because we’ll never make the world a safer place unless we can clear our toxic, internalized shame. And if we can’t bring ourselves to acknowledge our shame, we can’t clear it.
4. Shame is Basically Guilt
Wrong. Guilt is an emotion within the shame family, but it’s different despite many people saying they feel “guilty” when what they really feel is ashamed because let’s be honest, guilt is a more socially acceptable experience. We experience guilt when we do something that either we regret or we see caused distress in another person. Guilt is action-based, meaning it’s about what we did, not who we are. In guilt, there is always the possibility of atonement or redemption.
When we feel ashamed, however, the emotion ceases to be action-based and becomes personal. It’s about ourselves being harmful, not just what we did. We’re no longer able to distinguish between the emotion and our sense of Self when shame is present. In shame, there is no possibility for redemption because we’re intrinsically incomplete, damaged, or rotten.
Both emotions behave differently in the body too, and it’s important to understand how they each feel. Guilt is mobilizing, it propels us to do something and it very often results in sleeplessness and indigestion. Shame, on the other hand, is a freeze response. An ashamed body contracts and wants to make itself invisible. Shame causes brain fog and also causes us to blush, a response unique to humans and unique to shame.
Read more about guilt vs. shame.
5. Shameless is the Goal
No! Contrary to popular belief, shamelessness is a coping mechanism of toxic shame. In other words, shameless behavior is just another way of expressing shame. In his book, Shame, Dr. Joseph Burgo reclassifies shamelessness as shame defiance and suggests that in order to avoid being shamed by others, some of us try to own our shame by projecting the illusion of being shame-less. For example, if someone carries body shame related to their weight, they may try to pre-empt what they fear is inevitable rejection by shaming themselves before someone else gets to it. This may either look like self-deprecating jokes about their weight or false shamelessness. Perhaps they wear highly revealing clothes and announce their pride about their weight. They could go so far as to counter-shame anyone who doesn’t accept this article of shame.
If we genuinely have no shame about something, it’s a non-issue. There’s nothing to be said about it. We’re authentic, accepting, and respectful of both our own values and views and those of others. As Queen Gertrude shrewdly observed in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks…”
6. All Shame is BAd
Given that when we talk about shame, we’re usually referring to toxic shame, it’s understandable to think that shame always does a disservice. The truth is that not all shame is toxic; in fact, there is such a thing as healthy shame which teaches us where collective boundaries lay. Healthy shame is crucial to supporting a safe and empathetic society. For example, if a curious child touches the genitals of another child on the playground and the other child starts crying, by gently explaining to the offending child that it’s important to keep one’s hands to themselves because most people don’t enjoy being groped, that’s healthy shame. However, if a parent shouts, punishes their child, and says, ‘bad boy/girl!’ that is toxically shaming. Toxic shame tells us there’s something wrong with us whereas healthy shame tells us we inadvertently caused harm and educates us in a calm and respectful manner why a particular action isn’t such a good idea. Healthy shame is not dissimilar to guilt since it’s about the action, not the person.
Shame serves a purpose; it keeps societies functioning in a safe way. Where it went awry was when people discovered that shaming others was a potent method of manipulation. A certain amount of healthy shame is necessary in the development of personal discipline, empathy, and resilience in the face of criticism.
7. Shame is Caused by a Specific Event
Shame can grow over time, it isn’t always the result of a traumatic experience, something done to us, or something we did (or did not to do). Shame doesn’t only come from someone directly telling us that we’re bad, disappointing, or disgusting. A message like this doesn’t need to be communicated directly for shame to take hold. We can absorb shame through osmosis culturally and socially. For example, the way media portrays women and men’s bodies; the way sex is portrayed through films and TV; uneducated messaging on social media; listening to politicians, talk show hosts, religious leaders, or people of authority pontificate about the moral shortcomings of others; hearing people say something or someone isn’t normal. Observation and repeated messaging is all the seed of toxic shame needs to germinate and take root.
Additionally, emotional neglect and years of not having our emotional needs met will inevitably cause toxic shame. Complex Trauma (continuous, interpersonal trauma in the form of neglect, abuse, or abandonment) and toxic shame go hand-in-hand.
8. Shame Should be Avoided
Shame shouldn’t be avoided, remember that it serves a purpose. By building tolerance for a certain level of shame we build shame resilience, something researcher Brené Brown has spoken widely about. When we’re shame resilient, we can tolerate imperfection and we don’t experience emotional meltdowns when we’re criticized, rejected, or lose. Healthy, normalized shame prepares children for many of life’s unavoidable realities such as unrequited love, judgement, not winning, etc., whereas lavish praise; being given a trophy whether they win or lose; being permitted to behave wildly in inappropriate environments; and attacking anyone who criticizes them sets them up for exquisite pain later in life. Additionally, the tactics we adopt to avoid shame - substance use; defensiveness; moral righteousness; violence; perfectionism and so forth - cause harm. If we don’t learn to acknowledge and sit with our shame we will without a doubt continue the cycle of shame.
“Children do not develop healthy self-esteem when they are shielded from every experience of shame; rather, they must sometimes learn to take responsibility for the shame they feel and to learn from it.”
-Dr. Joseph Burgo, Shame
9. Pride is the Antidote to Shame
A common misconception, and not entirely untrue. The reason pride is not necessarily the antidote to shame is because we can be proud of an achievement or an action while remaining shame-based at our core. What cannot co-exist with shame, however, is self-esteem. When we’re shame-based and believe ourselves to be unworthy, unlovable, dirty, or intrinsically broken, it’s not possible for us to have any sense of self-worth, self-compassion, or even boundaries (for ourselves or others). This is why self-esteem is the antidote to shame and why when doing Shamework (what I call the process of unlearning toxic shame in a therapeutic setting), one of the indicators of progress is increased self-esteem.
10. My Issue Isn’t Shame Related
Try something for me. Go look in the mirror, put your hand on your heart, and say, ‘I love you.’ What happens? Can you say it? Did it get stuck in your throat? Did reading this make you want to hide behind a rock or disappear? Did you blush, squirm, or shrivel up? Then I hate to say it, but your issue may be rooted in shame.